Saturday, October 31, 2009

Halloween Costumes I Never Wore

I love Halloween, I really do, but I never seem to get my costume act together. I have made some fairly elaborate costumes for the kids and even worn one of the ones I made for the first offspring (which only fit me because it was hugely too big for him). But the ones I long for with the secret unrequited lust of a lonely candy-less child peering out the front window I never have gotten to wear. Which ones are those, you ask? Well:

1. Marie Antoinette.
2. Fairy (with working wings!)
3. Bride
4. Bride of Frankenstein
5. Guinevere
6. Queen Elizabeth (the first, not the dowdy)
7. 20's Flapper
8. 50's teenager (poodle skirts! sigh)
9. Knight in Armor - but you know, a girl knight, with the metal breasts on the armor.
10. 40's Mobster's Moll
11. Sexy Pirate Wench - ok, I did once dress up as a Pirate Wench, but it wasn't satisfying.
12. Harem Dancer
13. Flamenco Dancer
14. Tango Dancer - shoot, I just want to BE a tango dancer, forget the dressing up part.
15. Ballerina
16. Xena Warrior Princess
17. Victorian Heiress - This is kind of my own invention. Fancy dresses and rhinestones r kool!
18. French Maid - Maybe this one isn't exactly for Halloween.
19. Betti Page - Umm, or sort of a dominatrix thing in general.
20. Harlequinne

I would include Cleopatra, but I dressed up as Cleo one year, and looked pretty awesome, IMHO, but I refused to wear socks which would damage the authenticity of my costume, so my mother wouldn't let me leave the house. How old was I? Eleven, maybe? Twelve? Dunno, but I wonder to this day why I didn't just tell her I'd wear them and then take the stupid things off when I got outside. Guess I wasn't so devious back then. Anyway, maybe I'd have another go at old Cleo sometime, but it's not a must. I also dressed up as a hooker one Halloween when I was a teenager, and then a couple of friends of mine and I walked around knocking on doors and saying "Trick." We got a fair amount of candy, and also several invitations to come in at adult parties, and one guy offered us a drink. Nowadays I mostly don't dress up, mostly because what's the point when you've got nowhere to go? I do love this holiday, though.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

What I Ate Today

In honor of my losing five pounds, I will bore you with yet another list of my dietary deficiencies:

  1. Banana
  2. Plum
  3. Oatmeal with butter, salt, brown sugar and dried cherries (yum!)
  4. A couple of handfuls each of dark chocolate covered cranberries and dark chocolate covered edamame.
  5. Three or four handsful of stale popcorn
  6. An obscene number of pills.

I've gotten to the point with my medication that it's killing my appetite, which has both it's good and bad sides. Except I'm not sure what the bad side is.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Things I Write About

Soooooo... in that whole vein of avoiding responsibility by taking on OTHER responsibilities, I've stepped up to lead my writing group for some unspecified period of time that will probably amount to as long as I am: a. willing to do it, b. doing it competently, and c. financially viable enough to pay the fees. (This mini list is a freebie!) I am a little frustrated that I can't get very much response from the 253 other members of the group. I guess to get a lively group of 20 or 30 regular participants, you actually need about 500 members. Crazy. Anyway, I will persevere. I am trying very hard not to hijack the group for my own purposes, but the temptation is veerryyy sttroonnnggg.

Anyway in honor of my new ascendancy, a list of the topics I am interested in:
  1. Serial killers
  2. Lesbians
  3. Teddy Bears
  4. Death
  5. Chickens
  6. Beads
  7. Communities
  8. International Jewel Thieves
  9. Elves
  10. Random Kindness
  11. Geisha
  12. Friendships
  13. Aliens
  14. Children
  15. Quilting
  16. Weight and Fitness
  17. Goals
  18. Vampires
  19. Dysfunctional Families
  20. Lovers
  21. Cats
  22. Gardening
  23. Nocturnal Life
  24. Food
  25. Femme Fatales
  26. Science
  27. Unicorns
  28. Writing (and do you know, I almost left this one out!)

If that's not enough to keep me writing for the rest of my life, well, I guess I'll just have to start being interested in something else.

Friday, July 24, 2009

What I ate today

Ok, so it's been a while, so I'll bore you a bit more:

1. Two bananas - I was feeling decadent
2. About two ounces of delicious trout
3. Some broccoli and carrots I sauteed in soy sauce and sesame oil
4. about 3/4 cup of rice
5. Nectarine
6. Handful of dried cherries
7. Sample of chicken breast - plain
8. 3/4 Cup of praline pecans - at least I hope that's all it was
9. Most of a Trader Joe's spa salad
10. Handful of dark chocolate covered blueberries
11. Two handfuls of dark chocolate covered edamame (and counting).
12. About 8 ounces of organic lemonade tea.

I've also had quite a bit of water today, and that's why I have to pee. Right now.

The Seven Deadly Sins

I can't get with the crazy religious thing, even a little bit. My sister told me yesterday that she has personally been attacked by demons, and that she believes that homosexuality is caused by an evil spirit that's attacking the world. Presumably the individuals, both human and animal, who manifest symptoms of this affliction (i.e. gays) are those who weren't able to resist the influence of the evil spirit. Where exactly do you go in a conversation like that? I just can't follow her in to this fundamentalist zealotry and live in the spiritually perilous world she lives in. I also don't want to be a Christian rapper.

I firmly believe that when I get to Heaven, there will be a little coffee house with amazing mochas (full fat, and whipped cream, please, this IS heaven), and St. Peter will be referring to a gorgeously eclectic scrapbooky thing with all kind of my life's memorabilia pasted in it (my baby pictures, movie tickets, mother's day cards from the kids, the notes I passed in 9th grade French class, and dozens of things that I've forgotten about), and every once in a while he’ll get to some dumb thing I did, show it to me and say “what was THAT about?” And then we’ll both shake our heads and laugh, then take a sip of coffee, and keep going. And when we reach the end of the story, I get to decide whether to retire to my personal version of heaven, or try another round on earth in hopes of doing it better next time. (Of course I’ve taken Bodhisattva vows so I’ll be saying, “send me back, there’s always more to do!”) In any case, I don’t believe in hell, it’s like saying ‘she’s the perfect mother…well, except for all that child abuse.’ Hey since this IS a list blog, we need a list. How about this?

The Seven Deadly Sins and Their Demons:

Pride - Lucifer
Avarice/Greed - Mammon
Lechery/Lust - Asmodeus
Anger/Wrath - Satan
Gluttony - Beelzebub
Envy - Leviathan
Sloth - Belphegor

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Titles of Stories I'll Eventually Write

So in keeping with the making myself promises I don't keep, I haven't been writing as much as I should have, but I've been thinking a lot about things to write about. Unfortunately that doesn't count. But this counts as writing, yay!, so here are some story titles that may eventually become actual full-fledged stories.
  1. A Visit From A Lady
  2. Genevieve's Angels
  3. Olivia's Hair
  4. Remembering Philip
  5. The Night Belongs to the Maintenance Men (is this the title or the first line of the story? I can't tell.
  6. Another Senseless Killing on the Six O'Clock News

I have another story cycle in mind, 15 stories about death and dying, but I don't have 15 story ideas yet. And I need to finish writing Olivia's Hair, which was started as an exercise in writing group, but not finished yet.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

What I Ate Today

Because you've been waiting BREATHLESSLY for me to resume this mindless catalog of my excesses:

  1. Banana
  2. Celery
  3. One pancake with syrup
  4. One piece of bacon
  5. Pear
  6. Most of a bratwurst
  7. Diet Coke with Lime

I don't know if I'll eat dinner or not. Of course I took the anti-crazy pills and drank a boatload of water. Can one poison oneself by eating too much celery?

In case you're interested, yesterday I had lemon yogurt, delicious Vietnamese noodles, and three fudge bars, among other things. I know, I know, don't even start with me.

Reason I Can't Make Writing a Priority

So honestly, recording what I eat is AT LEAST as boring as I would imagine reading it is. And I looked at my calendar and realized that I have not made it to a Writer's Study Hall in over six months AND I missed the open mic night at Hugo House last night.

1. I'm too emotionally drained by my relationship to be creative.
2. Fear of success.
3. Lack of confidence in my talent.
4. Laziness.
5. Lapse of mental discipline.
6. Distractions (TV, reading, kids, scheduled activities) are given more importance.
7. Loss of faith.
8. Inability to find a compatible community.
9. Guilt

I think I'm going to start scheduling writing time. That's all there is to it.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Stuff I Plan To Do In June

So I've decided to be more productive for the rest of the year, and I will accomplish this by making lists of things I'm going to do, and then doing half the things on the list and then mentally berating myself for being such an underachiever. Let's start with:

  1. Read a life-changing book and let it change my life.

  2. Start re-learning to play the piano.

  3. Plan and execute a garage sale with the kids.

  4. Make a pair of jeans that fit me.

  5. Upgrade my computer.

  6. Take all of the 'donate' items leftover from the gararge sale somewhere, and DONATE them.

  7. Go to open mic night at Hugo House and read something, out loud, to the crowd.

  8. Try to get something published.

  9. Clean both bathrooms, top to bottom, including the corners.

  10. Lose 10 pounds.

Ok, that should be enough for one month. Or completely impossible to accomplish in ten. Updates will follow.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

What I Ate Today

I got up this morning and exercised. I think I've remembered why I want to be beautiful again. By this time next year I want to be able to wear a bikini. That girl in the pictures had a lot of fun, dammit! And people were always buying her drinks, and asking her to dance at the clubs. So I just have to find her again.

1. 3/4 of a slice of french toast with syrup
2. One piece of bacon
3. An ice cream sandwich
4. Some fruit, two chicken drummettes, a mini-burger, and some veggies.
5. Glass of punch
6. Piece of cake

It seems like there was something else, but maybe I'm just thinking that because I went to get some soup and ended up with ice cream. Damn you, ice cream!

I guess I'll have to get up early and exercise. I want to do my step tapes but I don't want to be watched. It's so annoying that the boyfriend chooses to sleep in the living room. When he chooses to sleep.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

What I Ate Today

I'm starting to remember why I didn't eat, when I didn't eat. Is that a good thing, or the path to hell? I don't know, and I'm not sure I care. I just want to lose weight so I can eat chocolate when I'm seventy. And so that one day I'll actually BE seventy.

1. Oatmeal with raisins.
2. Sunflower seeds
3. Salad with spinach, beets, tuna, sunflower seeds and blue cheese.
4. Green tea candy (actually this was yesterday, but I'm too lazy to go back).

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

What I Ate Today

I've been reading about the fruit diet. I couldn't live on fruit. There's no bread in it. I do think I could live on bread. Well at least until my teeth start falling out.

1. Oatmeal with raisins.
2. Orange juice
3. Half a steak and cheese panini
4. Salad with spinach, beets, sunflower seeds and blue cheese
5. Pint of skim milk
6. Sunflower seeds (don't even mention it).
7. Three fairly small pieces of pizza.
8. Some random bread
9. Four pecan sandies
10. Did I have a pear? Maybe a pear. I thought about it.

What I Did While I Was Not Posting

So where did the time go??? I am doing badly with writing down what I eat, but I will just start again, because this time I am committed to the process of losing weight and I AM NOT A QUITTER, DAMMIT! Anyway, what was I doing instead of blogging for the last twelve days? Here are the highlights, in no particular order:

  1. Eating too much.
  2. Taking my mom to a concert for Mother's Day.
  3. Going to an awesome show at Circus Contraption which was totally awesome. Did I mention it was awesome?
  4. Watching too much TV.
  5. Reading Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyer for the dozenth time.
  6. Forgetting to water my plants.
  7. Admiring this blog which is what my blog wants to be when it grows up.
  8. Bailing my kid out of jail.
  9. Hanging out at the U-District Street Fair.
  10. Listening to Corinne Bailey Rae, Amy Winehouse and similar musical talents on Pandora.
  11. Learning about goats.
  12. Trying to decide whether or not to buy Master Your Metabolism and developing a platonic crush on Jillian Michaels.
  13. Reminicing about when I was anorexic.
  14. Taking a cooking class at Cooksworld, an amazingly excellent cooking school.
  15. Staying up all night arguing with the boyfriend about whether we should end it.
  16. Forgetting to take my anti-crazy pills, and slowly going crazy.

Life happens. Whether you want it to or not. Happy Belated Mother's Day.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

What I Ate Today

- Insert witty repartee here -

  1. Banana
  2. One piece of french toast
  3. One piece of bacon
  4. Four or five of Eileen's tater tots (She made me!)
  5. Orange juice

Editorial Comment: I'm sure there was more than this, but you know I can't find the written list so the contents of my stomach on May 7th is lost to history. I know, just get a hankie and let it out.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

What I Ate Today

My diet is an ever-changing sea of emotional conflict. Or a nutrional mess. I think tomorrow I will try to cram in a week's worth of fruit and vegetable servings. Or maybe Saturday.

  1. Banana (Banana who?)
  2. Sesame bagel with hummus and tomato
  3. Curry noodle salad with water chestnuts
  4. Steamed Broccoli (with a few carrot shavings for color)
  5. Skim milk
  6. Peanut Butter Cookie
  7. Chocolate Chip Cookie
  8. A piece of chicken pizza
  9. 3 pieces of cheese pizza (Hey, they were small pieces!)

Today was a surprisingly light food day. If the evil cookie gods had not set down an enormous plate of cookies in front of my desk, I would have done pretty good. Except for the too much pizza and not enough vegetables. Don't judge me.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

What I Ate Today

I started this day so wrong. I should know better than to go to the golden arches of hell for anything, except possibly french fries. Every time I put that stuff in my body, it rebels in one unpleasant way or another. Looking at the bright side, my insides are probably very clean now. Also, I've run out of sunflower seeds. Except for the occasional straggler I find in my car seat. Uh...of course I don't eat those. That would be gross.

  1. Hard boiled egg

  2. Mc Donald's Egg McMuffin with Cheese, no meat

  3. Mc Donald's Mocha (Not a bad tasting drink, but not a mocha.)

  4. Firecraker Shrimp and Jerk Chicken Wings at Bahama Breeze
  5. (Yummy!)
  6. A Rumrunner
  7. (How many calories is this? I hesitate to imagine.)
  8. A couple of snitches of ground beef (But the appetizers filled me up, so I never had dinner.)

I will not eat Mc Donald's. I will not eat Mc Donald's. I will not eat Mc Donald's. I will not eat Mc Donald's. I will not eat Mc Donald's. I will not eat Mc Donald's. I will not eat Mc Donald's. I will not eat Mc Donald's. I will not eat Mc Donald's. I will not eat Mc Donald's. I will not eat Mc Donald's.

Places I Would Rather Be Than Work

In the ongoing saga of doing anything to avoid increasing my productivity, here's another blog from the trenches:

  1. At home

  2. Granville Island

  3. At the park

  4. Australia (except the scary parts)

  5. The fabric store

  6. The Luberon

  7. Las Vegas

  8. The spa

  9. Malaysia

  10. Venice Beach

  11. Venice, Italy

  12. Disneyworld

  13. Ni'ihau

  14. Pike Place Market

Until very recently this list would have included Mexico, but just now, I think that's an area to avoid. At least until people stop dropping dead of the flu. Although a large part of me feels like this whole flu thing is just media hype in a slow news month. There would be more, but, uh, you know, I'm at work...working?

Monday, May 4, 2009

What I Ate Today

I've been craving ice cream lately. Not a delicate, ladylike serving either, I'm craving a big honking sundae, with all the bad stuff on it. Except those toxic red cherries. The kid who likes them can have those. I think I will promise myself a sundae for Mother's Day. A three scoop sundae. Maybe four. Does anyone remember Farrell's?

1. Banana

2. Small glass of milk

3. Sunflower seeds (When this bag runs out, I won't buy any more.)

4. Bagel with salmon schmear

5. Chocolate Mudslide cookie (Mmmm!)

6. More sunflower seeds

7. Sugar cookie with frosting on it (Don't judge me, this one was for my work's anniversary.)

8. Some kind of citrus punch (Also for the anniversary.)

9. Sunflower seeds (Don't judge me, I'm an addict.)

10. Chicken stir fry with rice. (From the Teriyaki place. It had chicken, cabbage, onions, broccoli, carrots, zucchini, and surprisingly little of that sauce they slop on everything.)

I've been doing moderately well with the sweets consumption. Mostly because I don't want to write things down, so I don't eat nearly as much of what I would normally have stuck in my mouth thoughtlessly. Eventually this strategy should pay off, right? Right???

What I Would Do With My Time If I Were Rich

My job sucks. At least it does for me. I'm sure this would be a great job for someone else, it's just that 99% of the time, I have absolutely no interest in doing it. Or any job, for that matter.

1. Teach more classes at the library
2. Plant a huge edible garden
3. Travel a lot.
4. Take art classes.
5. Hang out with my kids.
6. Golf (isn't this one such a cliche).
7. Raise and show purebred cats. Maybe dogs too.
8. Drop by and go out to lunch with my friends who still have to work.
9. Plan and cook elaborate meals.
10. Exercise. A lot.
11. Get an MFA, also maybe and MBA, a JD and a PhD.
12. Quilt.
13. Tutor at my kids' schools.
14. Read more.
15. Constantly redecorate the house.
16. Ride horses.
17. Volunteer at the food bank.
18. Volunteer at museums.
19. Start a business.
20. Become a pilates instructor.
21. Learn to dance.
21. Ride motorcycles.
23. Write.

Working sucks. I think there should be a government lottery that gives you a year off with pay. Everyone with a full time job could be automatically entered, and when you won, a government official would show up at your job with a check and a temp to cover your position. Wouldn't that be so cool!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

What I Ate Today

The continuing saga of the contents of my stomach.

  1. Banana

  2. Sunflower seeds

  3. 2 or 3 Mini chocolate chip cookies

  4. Coffee (Black and bitter, like my heart.)

  5. Piece of bread with hummus

  6. Celery (Negative calories, yay!)

  7. Piece of bread with peanut butter and jam

  8. Something that might have been baklava

  9. More celery, this time with peanut butter

  10. Apple juice

  11. More sunflower seeds

  12. More celery

  13. Carrots (Plain, but very sweet.)

  14. Donuts (Are organic donuts fewer calories? Don't know but Mighty O Donuts are deffly delish!)

  15. Yet more sunflower seeds

  16. Grapes

  17. A few pieces of carrot I stole from the pan of carrots for dinner

  18. A small piece of chicken breast stuffed with mushrooms and onions

  19. Carrots (Cooked this time, which is supposed to be better for you.)

  20. A roll and a half (Bread is truly my Achilles heel, well except that it hasn't killed me. Yet.)

Today wasn't the worst day I've ever had. Also I stepped on the scale, and it was a little lower than it was yesterday. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to start exercising with the boyfriend. We'll see how that goes.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

What I Ate Today

Supposedly the very act of writing down what you eat will cause you to self-correct and lead to weight loss. Somehow that didn't stop me from eating a chocolate chip cookie for breakfast. The rest of the day wasn't much better, see:

1. Sunflower seeds
2. Half a chocolate chip cookie
3. Banana
4. Someone else's coffee
5. More coffee, mine this time
6. Mango (I think) scone, and more coffee
7. Bread with hummus
8. Several pieces of vegan sausage
9. Mango juice
10. Bread with cream cheese and jam
11. More sausage
12. Apple juice
13. More sunflower seeds
14. Pear
15. Steak, potato with sour cream, broccoli and roll
16. Papaya
17. Two cups of peppermint tea with honey
18. Stalk of celery with peanut butter.

Papaya, if you recall is a negative calorie food. So is broccoli. I did have a lot of honey in the tea, but then again, I may have burned that off with all of the trips to the freakin' bathroom. Man, I am sick of the bathroom. Also I haven't had a significant amount of chocolate in several days (breakfast chocolate chip cookie is NOT significant), and I think I may be going through withdrawal symptoms.

Friday, May 1, 2009

What I Ate Today

The continuing saga of my complete inability to keep from stuffing food in my mouth:

1. Cinnamon Raisin bagel and cream cheese
2. Sunflower seeds
3. Plain bagel and cream cheese
4. Some kind of instant coffee with creamer already in it.
5. Mongolian Beef and rice
6. Salad, no dressing (Cheap dressing is icky, I can resist it easily.)
7. A chocolate chip cookie
8. Half of an oatmeal cookie
9. More sunflower seeds.
10. A couple of pieces of cauliflower
11. Four carrots
12. A leftover corner of peanut butter and jelly on 9 grain bread.
13. A fish stick
14. Really delicious kiwi lemonade.

I resisted the Caffeine Free Coke on offer for lunch. That's progress. Also I used stevia as the sweetener for my coffee, so no calories there. Oh sorry, I used it as a 'dietary supplement' in my coffee, because it's safe for that, but not as a food additive. The FDA must be populated by schizophrenics to be able to made that kind of ruling. I did not resist the cookies. Am I losing weight. Not yet, but any day now! Oooo, and the salad was negative calorie! I might try to add negative calorie foods to every meal from now on. I think, however, that if you drench it in sweetened glob the calorie burning benefit is lost.

Suggested Scenarios for Dress Up "Adventures"

I suggested these to the boyfriend, and his response was 'not my thing' which is pretty typical of him since mostly his thing is me doing stuff to him, him thinking that somehow constitutes foreplay for ME, even though I've TOLD him on several occasions THAT IT DOESN'T. This is followed by generally vanilla intercourse, then him having an orgasm, or maybe two, and then getting dressed and watching TV. Notice a lack of something there? He apparently doesn't. (I KNOW! I ask myself that question on a daily basis, trust me.) That's on the days that he feels like doing anything at all. Because the thought has never crossed his mind once that there could be anything happening if he's not having an orgasm. (I KNOW! There are a lot of days when I wonder why I bother, trust me.) Anyway, sorry for the yelling, here's the list:

  1. He is the dead-eyed gunslinger and she is the brazen tavern girl who ignites his untamed passions. She is a tease (maybe there's some naughty dancing?), but he doesn't take no for an answer. She resists, he insists, there's some biting and clawing (or not, as you like) and then she succumbs, loosing her pent-passions in fury of repressed sexual need.

  2. He is the mysterious masked bandito (ok, Zorro, we all know it's Zorro) and she is the haughty, but neglected Spanish landowner's wife with an icy facade, but an untapped core of molten passion. He discovers her alone one evening, after her bastard of a husband has left to visit his mistress just one time too many, and seduces her into retaliatory illicit love. She is reserved and shy at first, then as her resistance crumbles she releases the Latin virago hiding inside her proper upbringing.

  3. He is a victorious gladiator, and she is the slave girl thrown into his cell for a night's pleasure. This can be played one of two ways. She could be the wild untamed vixen who has never been willing to submit to her masters demands, or she could be the fearful much abused waif who cringes in fear and has to be coaxed into discovering the joys of carnal love. He could be masterful but tender, or gentle and persuasive. She could also be a barbarian princess who saw him in the arena and had him brought to her, bound and humbled, for her night's pleasure. (Depending on your kink level there could be spanking/whipping and/or foot worship. Personally, I think foot worship is excellent, not that I ever get any.) Is it poignant and bittersweet, because they have only one night? Is there anger and promises of revenge for the savage defilement?

  4. He is the prison guard and she is the unrepentant inmate who tempts him with her forbidden charms. Is he an upright man who is pushed beyond his endurance by her constant touching and innuendos? Will she use his lapse as a way to coerce him into more elaborate and riskier encounters? Will she seduce him in the prison laundry? In the warden's very office? Or is she an innocent victim who is promised help by her corrupt (and sadistic) captor in exchange for sexual favors? How many degraded and perverted acts will he demand in exchange for his help? Will he keep his promise, and help her prove her innocence or decide to destroy her admission records so she disappears from the system and keep her captive forever?

  5. He is the Arab sheik and she is the harem slave he has purchased, or dancing girl he has hired for his pleasure. If she is a slave, is she an innocent virgin or a knowing temptress? If she is a dancer, does she think she is here only to dance, or does she hope to capture his interest and thereby secure herself a more permanent position? Maybe HE is the innocent virgin, and she's been purchased by his father to make him into a man. (Belly dance lessons are optional for this one, but learning a few interesting moves can enhance the whole experience. You can get some pretty decent instruction tapes for cheap, too.)

  6. He is the streetwise mack daddy and she wants to be or is his 'wife-in law (that's a prostitute, try to follow along).' Of course there's the traditional 'interview' scenario, he has a position available in his stable and she has to convince him that she can fill the opening by letting him do a little positioning and filling of his own. Or he has pictures to show her, and wants to give her a 'training' session. There could be toys needed to demonstrate the proper technique. And a mirror. Or maybe she's been holding out on him. When he finds out, he needs to reassert his position as the boss and punish her for her transgression (there could be spanking!), or perhaps she needs to use her ample skills to convince him that it's not true. She wants to show him she's honest and loyal to him, she's begging him to believe her, she's on her knees, she's inventive, and then he's not thinking about money any more!

There are endless possibilities really, and you can get inventive, and tailor your ideas to your interests. Maybe you are a famous chef with a debt-stricken restaurant, desperate to get good reviews from the harsh restaurant critic (sex and food, yum). Or the golf pro whose client wants to get a 'hole in one.' Or the tennis pro whose 'score' is always 'love' off the court. Maybe you are the hot, but professional, aerobics instructor who 'corrects' the newbie exercise enthusiast's 'form' a little too often (and a little to close to the special touching spots). Maybe one of you is an international spy, heck, maybe you both are! Play with it, have fun, get a hotel room for that extra exotic touch (sex on foreign sheets!), use costumes and props, or don't do any of that, just whisper your fantasy into a handy ear. I sent the boyfriend pictures. Which he didn't appreciate, apparently. Or if fantasex is not your thing, make a counter-offer. (One that would be fun for BOTH of you.) Just, for heaven's sake, if your significant other suggests that you spice up the bedroom activity, don't tell them the suggested activity is 'not your thing,' and leave it at that. 'Cause that's like seriously a turn-off.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

What I Ate Today

Day two of posting the menu. Skip this if it's boring:

1. A South Beach High Protein breakfast bar.
2. Vanilla yogurt
3. Bagel
4. Sunflower seeds
5. Cough drops
6. Thai soup
7. Orange juice
8. More sunflower seeds.
9. A bite of Laffy Taffy
10. Tuna casserole and mango-papaya salad

Even if I do pat myself on the back, I have to say that judging by how often I have to go to the bathroom (including a recent emergency stop to hop out and pee on the side of the road), my water intake is great! My kidneys either love me or really, really hate me. Also mango and papaya are apparently negative calorie foods.

Foods With Negative Calorie Effects

So I've switched from the boring obsession with the bad relationship, to the boring obsession with my fat ass. In keeping with the new obsession, I will be posting what I ate later today, but for now there's foods that are supposed to have a negative calorie effect on the body. There's enough here that maybe I could just eat these foods for a month. Then I would a. see if they really have a negative calorie effect, and b. be really sick of everything on this list:

1. Apple
2. Asparagus
3. Beets
4. Blueberries
5. Broccoli
6. Cabbage
7. Cantaloupe
8. Carrot
9. Cauliflower
10. Celery
11. Chicory
12. Chili Pepper
13. Cranberry
14. Cucumber
15. Endive
16. Garden cress
17. Garlic
18. Grapefruit
19. Green Beans
20. Honeydew
21. Lemon/Lime
22. Lettuce
23. Mango
24. Onion
25. Orange
26. Papaya
27. Peach
28. Pineapple
29. Radish
30. Raspberry
31. Spinach
32. Strawberry
33. Tangerine
34. Tomato
35. Turnip
36. Watermelon
37. Zucchini

Also these would be great ingredients for a juice fast. Zucchini-Papaya shakes all around!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

What I Ate Today

I'm trying to lose weight (who isn't?) and supposedly writing down what you eat improves your chances of losing by two to one. I'm not recording any portion sizes thought, because I'm too lazy. So this is what I've eaten today:

1. Hard boiled egg
2. 5 or 6 sunflower seeds that I found in the car.
3. Oatmeal with sugar, butter and raisins.
4. A cup of skim milk
5. Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, peas and carrots.
6. Orange juice
7. An orange.
8. A handful of anti-crazy pills.
9. A yummy yummy chocolate custard cone.
10. Lasagne, bread and salad, with a little bit of lemon tahini dressing.

I was going to eat an ice cream bar, too, bu the machine broke. It's a good thing I didn't start this yesterday. I rewarded myself for getting my car tabs by eating two custard bismarks with a pint of low fat milk. 'Cause milk makes everything healthy, didn't you know? Oddly enough, the orange and a couple of swigs of water pushed me over the edge into stunningly and uncomfortably full. Figure that one out.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Stuff I Do Instead of Working

Ok, don't tell my boss about this one!

1. Write epic emails to the boyfriend about our relationship that take half the day to craft.
2. Listen to songs on the Internet, flipping obsessively to get to Amy Winehouse.
3. Tell jokes to coworkers, thereby reducing the productivity of a whole section of the office.
4. Go to the bathroom. Resentfully. A lot more often than I think is reasonable.
5. Read overdue library books.
6. Sharpen pencils.
7. Call relatives. Sometimes long distance.
8. Go to lunch. Maybe more than once.
9. Surf the net. (But then who DOESN'T do this?)
10. Leave early.

But I don't show up late any more, 'cause they told me to cut that shit out. And I take direction really well.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Things I Will Probably Never Do With The Boyfriend

So it's relationship obsession week, deal with it. In the interest of trying to find some common ground, I started listing things I like to do, so that I could come up with suggestions for what WE could do. He would deny it, but the boyfriend pretty much shot down all of my ideas for one reason or another. (Seriously, if it wasn't an incredible breach of trust, I would post the email he sent me.) Even if he didn't say no outright, he gave reasons why he would be less than enthusiastic to participate in my suggested activities, and in some cases implied that I was insensitive to suggest them in the first place. Did he counter with activities of his own?, you ask. Ohhh nooo, that's not how it works! You see, I keep trying to reach for common ground, he keeps taking a sledge hammer and knocking my efforts into rubble. Then, when I get fed up, I'm negative or pessimistic or something. I keep thinking there's got to be something we want to try, or both like to do. At the moment, it appears that the only thing we both like to do is watch movies, and we don't exactly like the same kinds of movies. On the other hand, there are lots of things that I would like to do, that I seriously doubt I could get the boyfriend to do with me, even if I had a vise grip on his balls. What things, you say? Oh, things like:

1. Go scuba diving.
2. Have a masked ball for Halloween.
3. Waltz.
4. Plant a garden.
5. Volunteer at an elephant sanctuary.
6. Go to a strip show.
7. Ice skate in Times Square.
8. Adopt a little girl.
9. Do the crossword puzzle over Sunday morning coffee.
10. Buy a house.
11. Read the same book.
12. Go to relationship counseling.
13. Dress up for a medieval faire.
14. Have mutual friends.
15. Agree on a pet.
16. Make love in the rain.
17. Sail to the San Juans.
18. Fall asleep holding each other, and wake up the same way.
19. Go to a high school reunion.
20. Cruise the Greek Isles.*
21. Collect something.
22. Balance a checkbook.
23. Raise chickens.
24. Go to a whiskey tasting.
25. Vacation in Europe.
26. Take a class.
27. Skinny-dip in the moonlight.
28. Tell bedtime stories.
29. Learn yoga.
30. Memorize all the lines in an old movie.
31. Get falling-down drunk.
32. Have a threesome.
33. Build a deck.
34. Make up silly pet names.
35. Be foster parents.
36. Trade foot massages.
37. Reupholster a couch.
38. Go to church.
39. Visit relatives out of state.
40. Walk barefoot in mud, and let it squelch through our toes.
41. Love unconditionally.
42. Think up names for grandchildren.
43. Have a spa day.
44. Shop for lingerie, sex toys and edible lubes.
45. Refuse to hold a grudge.
46. Cross a desert on a camel.
47. Espouse a cause.
48. Ride up and down the escalators, blowing kisses when we pass.
49. Hire a contractor.
50. Write love poems.
51. Indulge in a fetish.
52. Ride a motorcycle.
53. Keep a scrapbook or memory box.
54. Retire, buy a motor home, and travel to all 50 states.
55. Camp in a nudist colony.
56. Wear silly hats in public.
57. Surf.
58. Plan a wedding.
59. Stand on the Great Wall.
60. Believe in the future.

Ok, yes, some of these things are a stretch, and honestly I'm not sure I'd actually like to do the camel thing, but if I DID want to to do it, I'd be doing it alone. The most frustrating part of even thinking about this issue is that if HE wanted to do these things, he'd just go do them, and if I wanted to come along, fine (assuming he invited me at all), and if I didn't, maybe some sulking, but that wouldn't stop him. For me though, it's not just the experience, it's who I'm having the experience with. There's only so much you can do with your gal pals. And what about romance? Why doesn't he get that even after all this time, sometimes I want to be swept off my feet. Admittedly, I'm not a tiny girl so the sweeping has to be figurative, but figurative sweeping would be just fine. Just so there's sweeping.

*He does manage to surprise me sometimes. Originally #20 was "Eat from the same plate," but he decided to make a bowl of ice cream for us to share (I know, shocked me!), so there you go. Maybe that means there's hope for the rest of the list. Maybe not.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Questions I Never Get Answered

So I'm really struggling with how to change the relationship dynamic right now, and thinking about it makes me realize that even after the really long time that I've known him, there are things about the boyfriend that I just don't know. Here are some of the questions that float around in my head, either because I never asked them, or because he's never answered them:

1. Why don't you want to marry me?
2. Do you ever look at me and think I'm beautiful?
3. What are your deepest fears?
4. Do I embarrass you in front of your friends?
5. What do you think is sexy?
6. Am I good in bed?
7. Do you ever feel the desire to add more romance to our relationship?
8. What does a perfect life look like to you?
9. Do you ever want to just get in the car and drive away and never come back?
10. Have you ever thought of killing me?
11. Do you ever worry that you love me more than I love you?
12. Would you miss me if I disappeared?
13. What do you envision our relationship being 20 years from now?
14. Have you ever wanted to hit me?
15. Do you ever wish you had stayed with another person?
16. Would you ever want to have an 'open' relationship?
17. Do you ever think I'm stupid or weak?
18. What are you doing all day when I'm not with you?
19. Do you ever fantasize about me?
20. Are you ever jealous or insecure about me and other men?
21. Why don't you want to dance with me?
22. Do you ever just hate your body?
23. If you could have my brain in any body you wanted, whose would it be?
24. Do you ever wish I was more of a girly girl, or more of a fashion plate?
25. When you look at me, do you think I look old?
26. Are you worried about going grey or losing your hair?
27. Does the idea that I might stop loving you one day ever keep you awake at night?
28. If you could add one personality trait, or take one away from me, what would it be?
29. Why don't you like to tell me what you're thinking?
30. What are the questions you want to know the answers to, but never ask me?

There are more, but I think they're all kind of variations of these. And really it's all so trite and cliche, it's almost too embarrassing to post, but seriously aren't these the questions that most women want to know at some point or another in a relationship? Ok, maybe some of the ones I didn't put up aren't so normal. But how do you casually ask a guy if he'd like to handcuff you to the bed frame and torture you with a feather, some clothes pins, a jar of lemon sauce and a riding crop? "Uh, honey, you know we've never explored S&M, and I was wondering....?" Come to think of it, that's probably pretty normal, too. Freaks.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Reasons I Don't Exercise

I'm expanding at the alarming rate of about 10 pounds a year. I should feel an insane urgency to reverse this trend, but somehow I haven't managed to work out and stick to a regular exercise routine. Here's why:

1. I'm chronically sleep-deprived and I really need that extra twenty minutes in the morning.
2. My schedule is just too tight to make it to the gym.
3. I don't like to exercise while other people are watching me, and there are always other people.
4. When I get sweaty, I itch.
5. I don't have a bike.
6. I'm punishing my emotionally abusive mother by damaging my health.
7. I'm conducting an experiment in willpower vs. genes, and exercise will skew the results.
8. I'm punishing my neglectful boyfriend by refusing to be more physically attractive.
9. My foot hurts and I have a headache.
10. I'm lazy.
11. I can't find the right soundtrack.
12. I lost my exercise pants.
13. I can't find a fitness buddy.
14. I'm afraid that if I get my body in shape everyone will expect me to fix the rest of my life.
15. The extra weight is keeping me anchored to the earth.
16. I'm a recovering exercise anorexic and I'm afraid of a relapse.
17. I've decided that diet is the real key to weight loss, so exercising is useless.
18. I can't afford the sports-related injuries
19. No one will pick me for their team.
20. Did I mention that I'm lazy?
21. I'm trying to conserve water by not taking extra showers.
22. I don't want to get really hot and damage the self-esteem of a generation of teenage girls.
23. I'm saving up my energy for a really explosive act of heroism.
24. I really need to clean out the closets first.
25. I can't find my car keys.

The more I think about it, the more ridiculous my excuses get. The truth is I don't exercise because I lack discipline. This is kind of a theme in my life and I'm doomed to be a fat, unpublished, broke failure at life if I can't get a handle on myself. And I really don't like the thought of that. Too bad there's not a pill for willpower. I bet the guy who invents that could be like a kazillionaire and buy the moon. Hmm...I better get to work inventing that. As soon as I'm finished, I can take one, and start exercising!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Things I Lost When My Stuff Was Thrown On The Curb

There is a story behind's short though. It goes my landlord is an asshole so he let the people who were moving my stuff out steal some. Here's what's missing:

1. My Makita Cordless Drill and Flashlight Set - which was a Mother's Day Present (what? I like tools.)
2. My toolbox - which contained my screwdriver set, my drill bits, my ratchet set, my linoleum knife, my basin wrench, my wire strippers, two hammers of different sizes, a really good pair of pliers, and a kind of sucky adjustable wrench along with various useful things. (I did say I liked tools.)
2. My cordless telephones, and their bases.
4. My router and the Verizon Wireless modem it was attached to. (Hah, hah the router will probably be useless because they don't have the WEP key!)
5. Two season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer
6. Two older desktop computers - one of which has a lot of information I want on it.
7. My laptop. My NEW laptop.
8. All of my alcohol. Which wasn't a lot. But still...tacky.
9. My blenders. Both of them.
10. Around 30 AA batteries. The packaging was left out empty, the batteries were taken.
11. A set of wire grid storage cubes.
12. A crappy stick vacuum cleaner, minus the bagless insert, which was in something else.
13. A set of Amway knives.
14. Other little annoying things like a Pyrex glass pan, and some CD's.

For the most part the stuff is replaceable. The information on the computers is not replaceable, including some family pictures that I may not have anywhere else. It's just really, really, REALLY annoying that this guy, who is accusing me of being dishonest, hired people who figured there was no way for me to prove they stole stuff, so they did. And I don't believe for one second that he doesn't know the kind of people he hired. And I really want my damned phones!

Eh...I'm supposed to be trying to reduce my possessions anyway.