Thursday, April 30, 2009

What I Ate Today

Day two of posting the menu. Skip this if it's boring:

1. A South Beach High Protein breakfast bar.
2. Vanilla yogurt
3. Bagel
4. Sunflower seeds
5. Cough drops
6. Thai soup
7. Orange juice
8. More sunflower seeds.
9. A bite of Laffy Taffy
10. Tuna casserole and mango-papaya salad

Even if I do pat myself on the back, I have to say that judging by how often I have to go to the bathroom (including a recent emergency stop to hop out and pee on the side of the road), my water intake is great! My kidneys either love me or really, really hate me. Also mango and papaya are apparently negative calorie foods.

Foods With Negative Calorie Effects

So I've switched from the boring obsession with the bad relationship, to the boring obsession with my fat ass. In keeping with the new obsession, I will be posting what I ate later today, but for now there's foods that are supposed to have a negative calorie effect on the body. There's enough here that maybe I could just eat these foods for a month. Then I would a. see if they really have a negative calorie effect, and b. be really sick of everything on this list:

1. Apple
2. Asparagus
3. Beets
4. Blueberries
5. Broccoli
6. Cabbage
7. Cantaloupe
8. Carrot
9. Cauliflower
10. Celery
11. Chicory
12. Chili Pepper
13. Cranberry
14. Cucumber
15. Endive
16. Garden cress
17. Garlic
18. Grapefruit
19. Green Beans
20. Honeydew
21. Lemon/Lime
22. Lettuce
23. Mango
24. Onion
25. Orange
26. Papaya
27. Peach
28. Pineapple
29. Radish
30. Raspberry
31. Spinach
32. Strawberry
33. Tangerine
34. Tomato
35. Turnip
36. Watermelon
37. Zucchini

Also these would be great ingredients for a juice fast. Zucchini-Papaya shakes all around!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

What I Ate Today

I'm trying to lose weight (who isn't?) and supposedly writing down what you eat improves your chances of losing by two to one. I'm not recording any portion sizes thought, because I'm too lazy. So this is what I've eaten today:

1. Hard boiled egg
2. 5 or 6 sunflower seeds that I found in the car.
3. Oatmeal with sugar, butter and raisins.
4. A cup of skim milk
5. Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, peas and carrots.
6. Orange juice
7. An orange.
8. A handful of anti-crazy pills.
9. A yummy yummy chocolate custard cone.
10. Lasagne, bread and salad, with a little bit of lemon tahini dressing.

I was going to eat an ice cream bar, too, bu the machine broke. It's a good thing I didn't start this yesterday. I rewarded myself for getting my car tabs by eating two custard bismarks with a pint of low fat milk. 'Cause milk makes everything healthy, didn't you know? Oddly enough, the orange and a couple of swigs of water pushed me over the edge into stunningly and uncomfortably full. Figure that one out.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Stuff I Do Instead of Working

Ok, don't tell my boss about this one!

1. Write epic emails to the boyfriend about our relationship that take half the day to craft.
2. Listen to songs on the Internet, flipping obsessively to get to Amy Winehouse.
3. Tell jokes to coworkers, thereby reducing the productivity of a whole section of the office.
4. Go to the bathroom. Resentfully. A lot more often than I think is reasonable.
5. Read overdue library books.
6. Sharpen pencils.
7. Call relatives. Sometimes long distance.
8. Go to lunch. Maybe more than once.
9. Surf the net. (But then who DOESN'T do this?)
10. Leave early.

But I don't show up late any more, 'cause they told me to cut that shit out. And I take direction really well.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Things I Will Probably Never Do With The Boyfriend

So it's relationship obsession week, deal with it. In the interest of trying to find some common ground, I started listing things I like to do, so that I could come up with suggestions for what WE could do. He would deny it, but the boyfriend pretty much shot down all of my ideas for one reason or another. (Seriously, if it wasn't an incredible breach of trust, I would post the email he sent me.) Even if he didn't say no outright, he gave reasons why he would be less than enthusiastic to participate in my suggested activities, and in some cases implied that I was insensitive to suggest them in the first place. Did he counter with activities of his own?, you ask. Ohhh nooo, that's not how it works! You see, I keep trying to reach for common ground, he keeps taking a sledge hammer and knocking my efforts into rubble. Then, when I get fed up, I'm negative or pessimistic or something. I keep thinking there's got to be something we want to try, or both like to do. At the moment, it appears that the only thing we both like to do is watch movies, and we don't exactly like the same kinds of movies. On the other hand, there are lots of things that I would like to do, that I seriously doubt I could get the boyfriend to do with me, even if I had a vise grip on his balls. What things, you say? Oh, things like:

1. Go scuba diving.
2. Have a masked ball for Halloween.
3. Waltz.
4. Plant a garden.
5. Volunteer at an elephant sanctuary.
6. Go to a strip show.
7. Ice skate in Times Square.
8. Adopt a little girl.
9. Do the crossword puzzle over Sunday morning coffee.
10. Buy a house.
11. Read the same book.
12. Go to relationship counseling.
13. Dress up for a medieval faire.
14. Have mutual friends.
15. Agree on a pet.
16. Make love in the rain.
17. Sail to the San Juans.
18. Fall asleep holding each other, and wake up the same way.
19. Go to a high school reunion.
20. Cruise the Greek Isles.*
21. Collect something.
22. Balance a checkbook.
23. Raise chickens.
24. Go to a whiskey tasting.
25. Vacation in Europe.
26. Take a class.
27. Skinny-dip in the moonlight.
28. Tell bedtime stories.
29. Learn yoga.
30. Memorize all the lines in an old movie.
31. Get falling-down drunk.
32. Have a threesome.
33. Build a deck.
34. Make up silly pet names.
35. Be foster parents.
36. Trade foot massages.
37. Reupholster a couch.
38. Go to church.
39. Visit relatives out of state.
40. Walk barefoot in mud, and let it squelch through our toes.
41. Love unconditionally.
42. Think up names for grandchildren.
43. Have a spa day.
44. Shop for lingerie, sex toys and edible lubes.
45. Refuse to hold a grudge.
46. Cross a desert on a camel.
47. Espouse a cause.
48. Ride up and down the escalators, blowing kisses when we pass.
49. Hire a contractor.
50. Write love poems.
51. Indulge in a fetish.
52. Ride a motorcycle.
53. Keep a scrapbook or memory box.
54. Retire, buy a motor home, and travel to all 50 states.
55. Camp in a nudist colony.
56. Wear silly hats in public.
57. Surf.
58. Plan a wedding.
59. Stand on the Great Wall.
60. Believe in the future.

Ok, yes, some of these things are a stretch, and honestly I'm not sure I'd actually like to do the camel thing, but if I DID want to to do it, I'd be doing it alone. The most frustrating part of even thinking about this issue is that if HE wanted to do these things, he'd just go do them, and if I wanted to come along, fine (assuming he invited me at all), and if I didn't, maybe some sulking, but that wouldn't stop him. For me though, it's not just the experience, it's who I'm having the experience with. There's only so much you can do with your gal pals. And what about romance? Why doesn't he get that even after all this time, sometimes I want to be swept off my feet. Admittedly, I'm not a tiny girl so the sweeping has to be figurative, but figurative sweeping would be just fine. Just so there's sweeping.

*He does manage to surprise me sometimes. Originally #20 was "Eat from the same plate," but he decided to make a bowl of ice cream for us to share (I know, shocked me!), so there you go. Maybe that means there's hope for the rest of the list. Maybe not.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Questions I Never Get Answered

So I'm really struggling with how to change the relationship dynamic right now, and thinking about it makes me realize that even after the really long time that I've known him, there are things about the boyfriend that I just don't know. Here are some of the questions that float around in my head, either because I never asked them, or because he's never answered them:

1. Why don't you want to marry me?
2. Do you ever look at me and think I'm beautiful?
3. What are your deepest fears?
4. Do I embarrass you in front of your friends?
5. What do you think is sexy?
6. Am I good in bed?
7. Do you ever feel the desire to add more romance to our relationship?
8. What does a perfect life look like to you?
9. Do you ever want to just get in the car and drive away and never come back?
10. Have you ever thought of killing me?
11. Do you ever worry that you love me more than I love you?
12. Would you miss me if I disappeared?
13. What do you envision our relationship being 20 years from now?
14. Have you ever wanted to hit me?
15. Do you ever wish you had stayed with another person?
16. Would you ever want to have an 'open' relationship?
17. Do you ever think I'm stupid or weak?
18. What are you doing all day when I'm not with you?
19. Do you ever fantasize about me?
20. Are you ever jealous or insecure about me and other men?
21. Why don't you want to dance with me?
22. Do you ever just hate your body?
23. If you could have my brain in any body you wanted, whose would it be?
24. Do you ever wish I was more of a girly girl, or more of a fashion plate?
25. When you look at me, do you think I look old?
26. Are you worried about going grey or losing your hair?
27. Does the idea that I might stop loving you one day ever keep you awake at night?
28. If you could add one personality trait, or take one away from me, what would it be?
29. Why don't you like to tell me what you're thinking?
30. What are the questions you want to know the answers to, but never ask me?

There are more, but I think they're all kind of variations of these. And really it's all so trite and cliche, it's almost too embarrassing to post, but seriously aren't these the questions that most women want to know at some point or another in a relationship? Ok, maybe some of the ones I didn't put up aren't so normal. But how do you casually ask a guy if he'd like to handcuff you to the bed frame and torture you with a feather, some clothes pins, a jar of lemon sauce and a riding crop? "Uh, honey, you know we've never explored S&M, and I was wondering....?" Come to think of it, that's probably pretty normal, too. Freaks.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Reasons I Don't Exercise

I'm expanding at the alarming rate of about 10 pounds a year. I should feel an insane urgency to reverse this trend, but somehow I haven't managed to work out and stick to a regular exercise routine. Here's why:

1. I'm chronically sleep-deprived and I really need that extra twenty minutes in the morning.
2. My schedule is just too tight to make it to the gym.
3. I don't like to exercise while other people are watching me, and there are always other people.
4. When I get sweaty, I itch.
5. I don't have a bike.
6. I'm punishing my emotionally abusive mother by damaging my health.
7. I'm conducting an experiment in willpower vs. genes, and exercise will skew the results.
8. I'm punishing my neglectful boyfriend by refusing to be more physically attractive.
9. My foot hurts and I have a headache.
10. I'm lazy.
11. I can't find the right soundtrack.
12. I lost my exercise pants.
13. I can't find a fitness buddy.
14. I'm afraid that if I get my body in shape everyone will expect me to fix the rest of my life.
15. The extra weight is keeping me anchored to the earth.
16. I'm a recovering exercise anorexic and I'm afraid of a relapse.
17. I've decided that diet is the real key to weight loss, so exercising is useless.
18. I can't afford the sports-related injuries
19. No one will pick me for their team.
20. Did I mention that I'm lazy?
21. I'm trying to conserve water by not taking extra showers.
22. I don't want to get really hot and damage the self-esteem of a generation of teenage girls.
23. I'm saving up my energy for a really explosive act of heroism.
24. I really need to clean out the closets first.
25. I can't find my car keys.

The more I think about it, the more ridiculous my excuses get. The truth is I don't exercise because I lack discipline. This is kind of a theme in my life and I'm doomed to be a fat, unpublished, broke failure at life if I can't get a handle on myself. And I really don't like the thought of that. Too bad there's not a pill for willpower. I bet the guy who invents that could be like a kazillionaire and buy the moon. Hmm...I better get to work inventing that. As soon as I'm finished, I can take one, and start exercising!