Thursday, January 2, 2014

Happy New Year?

Yes, it's been a while. Don't make a big deal about it.
So every year I make resolutions, ridiculous unobtainable resolutions, and every year I feel like a total failure when I don't manage to commit to any changes, meet any goals, or do anything to change the miserable hand-to-mouth slacker existence that is my forever history. Why should this year be any different.
So with no further ado, my New Year's Resolutions for 2014:
1. Shrink to a size 8. - I know that all of the advice people say don't focus on the size. Fuck them. I don't want to be healthier or more fit, I don't want to feel better, or commit to a better diet or 'right size, or whatever else the fuck is the buzzword of the day. I want to be thinner. If I could cut this fatty fat off with a kitchen knife, I'd be screaming and slicing right now. And I don't really care what anyone thinks about that. How am I going to do it? Right now it looks like low carb dieting, exercise and a healthy dollop of yoga is the way to go, and yes that will have the side effect of making me healthier, and yes it will have the side effect of making me more toned and perhaps even more relaxed, but don't kid yourself - I don't give a shit about any of that. I just want to be thinner.
2. Learn to play the piano. - It's kind of random but whatever. I always wanted to learn, and since I'm now starting to develop arthritis in my hands, now is the time. So I'll be spending time doing that.
3. Get a job as a Java programmer. - It's time to pick an actual career. So I pick Java programming. It pays well, and it sounds cool and there's a shortage. We are all going to totally ignore that I first have to learn to program in Java. I have books for that. And some YouTube tutorials. Mostly I just need to get through the interview. Then I can copy and paste from stuff on the web. It'll be fiiiine. Just...whatever.
4. Knit some socks, and maybe a cable sweater. - I have a lot of yarn. I don't want to give it away because I'm greedy and I think if I actually applied myself to it, I could be a decent knitter. And plus it's a way to ignore the devastating wasteland that is my life. Try to be depressed about your general lack of accomplishments when you're counting stitches on a lace pattern. I dare you.
5. Finish a quilt, like all the way. - What I said about the yarn, but for fabric, like times a hundred. Or a thousand. Or maybe a hundred thousand. Did you know fabric rots? It does. Over time. I love my fabric like golden treasure, but it deserves to be used. I have an accumulation of fabric that is older than the years of my life. (I do, thanks to the generous contribution of a fabric hoarder relative, who gave me a portion of HER ridiculously overgenerous stash, because 20 55 gallon storage containers of fabric that isn't being used and probably isn't stored properly in the first place DESERVES to be doubled!) So I need to use that. Thread rots, too. Even the polyester core stuff.
6. Publish something already! -  Or you know, at least submit something. Ok, submit something, already! But no, the goal is publish something. Because you know, we did say ridiculous and unattainable.
7. Get rid of one grocery bag of stuff a week. - Ok, or 52 bags. 52 bags of crap I don't want, things that might be useful for someone else, toys that my children outgrew a decade ago, expired toiletries, linens that no longer have a bed to be one, dishes that I hate, and general crap. I figured out that if I can reduce the size of my storage unit by half, I'll have enough to pay for a monthly membership to crossfit, which brings me to:
8. Start doing Crossfit. - At least until I either a. get to the correct size or b. get so severely injured that even the Crossfit fanatics say 'enough already, moron! Cut it out!' Seriously, I like the idea of Crossfit, and the lingo, and the excuses to by more workout gear to leave around in stinky reuseable grocery bags. And the whole process appeals to a certain masochistic bent that should be pretty obvious by now. And since all of this awesome self flagellery deserves to be shared...
9.  Write one blog post per week. - I sort of wanted to say write one per day, but that's just too unrealistic, even for me. So that's at least 52 blog posts. But since I need to add an element of the impossible, I will add:
10. Take more pictures. - And post one with each blog post. Because I hate to take pictures. Maybe I should add a photography class to my list of things to do. But I'm not going to. Because that's waaaay too attainable. However there's always...
10. Finish my damned degree. - Seriously. Just. Finish. It. Before I've literally spent so long putting it off that I have to just start over from the beginning...although, that has a certain appeal. And last but most important:
12. Drink more wine. - Because after I've totally failed at all of this crap, I'm totally going to need it.
Well that's it, that's my dirty dozen. It's ridiculous isn't it? I left out a couple that I've been toying with like run a marathon or write every day or move to a different state  but seriously let's save something to fail at and despair about next year, right? Ok, your turn! If you got this far, I challenge you to leave a comment about your resolutions, and no crap about how you don't have any. Share, share, that's fair.
Ok, the picture:
Say Goodbye to Alladat!