Saturday, May 30, 2009

Stuff I Plan To Do In June

So I've decided to be more productive for the rest of the year, and I will accomplish this by making lists of things I'm going to do, and then doing half the things on the list and then mentally berating myself for being such an underachiever. Let's start with:

  1. Read a life-changing book and let it change my life.

  2. Start re-learning to play the piano.

  3. Plan and execute a garage sale with the kids.

  4. Make a pair of jeans that fit me.

  5. Upgrade my computer.

  6. Take all of the 'donate' items leftover from the gararge sale somewhere, and DONATE them.

  7. Go to open mic night at Hugo House and read something, out loud, to the crowd.

  8. Try to get something published.

  9. Clean both bathrooms, top to bottom, including the corners.

  10. Lose 10 pounds.

Ok, that should be enough for one month. Or completely impossible to accomplish in ten. Updates will follow.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

What I Ate Today

I got up this morning and exercised. I think I've remembered why I want to be beautiful again. By this time next year I want to be able to wear a bikini. That girl in the pictures had a lot of fun, dammit! And people were always buying her drinks, and asking her to dance at the clubs. So I just have to find her again.

1. 3/4 of a slice of french toast with syrup
2. One piece of bacon
3. An ice cream sandwich
4. Some fruit, two chicken drummettes, a mini-burger, and some veggies.
5. Glass of punch
6. Piece of cake

It seems like there was something else, but maybe I'm just thinking that because I went to get some soup and ended up with ice cream. Damn you, ice cream!

I guess I'll have to get up early and exercise. I want to do my step tapes but I don't want to be watched. It's so annoying that the boyfriend chooses to sleep in the living room. When he chooses to sleep.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

What I Ate Today

I'm starting to remember why I didn't eat, when I didn't eat. Is that a good thing, or the path to hell? I don't know, and I'm not sure I care. I just want to lose weight so I can eat chocolate when I'm seventy. And so that one day I'll actually BE seventy.

1. Oatmeal with raisins.
2. Sunflower seeds
3. Salad with spinach, beets, tuna, sunflower seeds and blue cheese.
4. Green tea candy (actually this was yesterday, but I'm too lazy to go back).

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

What I Ate Today

I've been reading about the fruit diet. I couldn't live on fruit. There's no bread in it. I do think I could live on bread. Well at least until my teeth start falling out.

1. Oatmeal with raisins.
2. Orange juice
3. Half a steak and cheese panini
4. Salad with spinach, beets, sunflower seeds and blue cheese
5. Pint of skim milk
6. Sunflower seeds (don't even mention it).
7. Three fairly small pieces of pizza.
8. Some random bread
9. Four pecan sandies
10. Did I have a pear? Maybe a pear. I thought about it.

What I Did While I Was Not Posting

So where did the time go??? I am doing badly with writing down what I eat, but I will just start again, because this time I am committed to the process of losing weight and I AM NOT A QUITTER, DAMMIT! Anyway, what was I doing instead of blogging for the last twelve days? Here are the highlights, in no particular order:

  1. Eating too much.
  2. Taking my mom to a concert for Mother's Day.
  3. Going to an awesome show at Circus Contraption which was totally awesome. Did I mention it was awesome?
  4. Watching too much TV.
  5. Reading Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyer for the dozenth time.
  6. Forgetting to water my plants.
  7. Admiring this blog which is what my blog wants to be when it grows up.
  8. Bailing my kid out of jail.
  9. Hanging out at the U-District Street Fair.
  10. Listening to Corinne Bailey Rae, Amy Winehouse and similar musical talents on Pandora.
  11. Learning about goats.
  12. Trying to decide whether or not to buy Master Your Metabolism and developing a platonic crush on Jillian Michaels.
  13. Reminicing about when I was anorexic.
  14. Taking a cooking class at Cooksworld, an amazingly excellent cooking school.
  15. Staying up all night arguing with the boyfriend about whether we should end it.
  16. Forgetting to take my anti-crazy pills, and slowly going crazy.

Life happens. Whether you want it to or not. Happy Belated Mother's Day.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

What I Ate Today

- Insert witty repartee here -

  1. Banana
  2. One piece of french toast
  3. One piece of bacon
  4. Four or five of Eileen's tater tots (She made me!)
  5. Orange juice

Editorial Comment: I'm sure there was more than this, but you know I can't find the written list so the contents of my stomach on May 7th is lost to history. I know, just get a hankie and let it out.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

What I Ate Today

My diet is an ever-changing sea of emotional conflict. Or a nutrional mess. I think tomorrow I will try to cram in a week's worth of fruit and vegetable servings. Or maybe Saturday.

  1. Banana (Banana who?)
  2. Sesame bagel with hummus and tomato
  3. Curry noodle salad with water chestnuts
  4. Steamed Broccoli (with a few carrot shavings for color)
  5. Skim milk
  6. Peanut Butter Cookie
  7. Chocolate Chip Cookie
  8. A piece of chicken pizza
  9. 3 pieces of cheese pizza (Hey, they were small pieces!)

Today was a surprisingly light food day. If the evil cookie gods had not set down an enormous plate of cookies in front of my desk, I would have done pretty good. Except for the too much pizza and not enough vegetables. Don't judge me.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

What I Ate Today

I started this day so wrong. I should know better than to go to the golden arches of hell for anything, except possibly french fries. Every time I put that stuff in my body, it rebels in one unpleasant way or another. Looking at the bright side, my insides are probably very clean now. Also, I've run out of sunflower seeds. Except for the occasional straggler I find in my car seat. Uh...of course I don't eat those. That would be gross.

  1. Hard boiled egg

  2. Mc Donald's Egg McMuffin with Cheese, no meat

  3. Mc Donald's Mocha (Not a bad tasting drink, but not a mocha.)

  4. Firecraker Shrimp and Jerk Chicken Wings at Bahama Breeze
  5. (Yummy!)
  6. A Rumrunner
  7. (How many calories is this? I hesitate to imagine.)
  8. A couple of snitches of ground beef (But the appetizers filled me up, so I never had dinner.)

I will not eat Mc Donald's. I will not eat Mc Donald's. I will not eat Mc Donald's. I will not eat Mc Donald's. I will not eat Mc Donald's. I will not eat Mc Donald's. I will not eat Mc Donald's. I will not eat Mc Donald's. I will not eat Mc Donald's. I will not eat Mc Donald's. I will not eat Mc Donald's.

Places I Would Rather Be Than Work

In the ongoing saga of doing anything to avoid increasing my productivity, here's another blog from the trenches:

  1. At home

  2. Granville Island

  3. At the park

  4. Australia (except the scary parts)

  5. The fabric store

  6. The Luberon

  7. Las Vegas

  8. The spa

  9. Malaysia

  10. Venice Beach

  11. Venice, Italy

  12. Disneyworld

  13. Ni'ihau

  14. Pike Place Market

Until very recently this list would have included Mexico, but just now, I think that's an area to avoid. At least until people stop dropping dead of the flu. Although a large part of me feels like this whole flu thing is just media hype in a slow news month. There would be more, but, uh, you know, I'm at work...working?

Monday, May 4, 2009

What I Ate Today

I've been craving ice cream lately. Not a delicate, ladylike serving either, I'm craving a big honking sundae, with all the bad stuff on it. Except those toxic red cherries. The kid who likes them can have those. I think I will promise myself a sundae for Mother's Day. A three scoop sundae. Maybe four. Does anyone remember Farrell's?

1. Banana

2. Small glass of milk

3. Sunflower seeds (When this bag runs out, I won't buy any more.)

4. Bagel with salmon schmear

5. Chocolate Mudslide cookie (Mmmm!)

6. More sunflower seeds

7. Sugar cookie with frosting on it (Don't judge me, this one was for my work's anniversary.)

8. Some kind of citrus punch (Also for the anniversary.)

9. Sunflower seeds (Don't judge me, I'm an addict.)

10. Chicken stir fry with rice. (From the Teriyaki place. It had chicken, cabbage, onions, broccoli, carrots, zucchini, and surprisingly little of that sauce they slop on everything.)

I've been doing moderately well with the sweets consumption. Mostly because I don't want to write things down, so I don't eat nearly as much of what I would normally have stuck in my mouth thoughtlessly. Eventually this strategy should pay off, right? Right???

What I Would Do With My Time If I Were Rich

My job sucks. At least it does for me. I'm sure this would be a great job for someone else, it's just that 99% of the time, I have absolutely no interest in doing it. Or any job, for that matter.

1. Teach more classes at the library
2. Plant a huge edible garden
3. Travel a lot.
4. Take art classes.
5. Hang out with my kids.
6. Golf (isn't this one such a cliche).
7. Raise and show purebred cats. Maybe dogs too.
8. Drop by and go out to lunch with my friends who still have to work.
9. Plan and cook elaborate meals.
10. Exercise. A lot.
11. Get an MFA, also maybe and MBA, a JD and a PhD.
12. Quilt.
13. Tutor at my kids' schools.
14. Read more.
15. Constantly redecorate the house.
16. Ride horses.
17. Volunteer at the food bank.
18. Volunteer at museums.
19. Start a business.
20. Become a pilates instructor.
21. Learn to dance.
21. Ride motorcycles.
23. Write.

Working sucks. I think there should be a government lottery that gives you a year off with pay. Everyone with a full time job could be automatically entered, and when you won, a government official would show up at your job with a check and a temp to cover your position. Wouldn't that be so cool!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

What I Ate Today

The continuing saga of the contents of my stomach.

  1. Banana

  2. Sunflower seeds

  3. 2 or 3 Mini chocolate chip cookies

  4. Coffee (Black and bitter, like my heart.)

  5. Piece of bread with hummus

  6. Celery (Negative calories, yay!)

  7. Piece of bread with peanut butter and jam

  8. Something that might have been baklava

  9. More celery, this time with peanut butter

  10. Apple juice

  11. More sunflower seeds

  12. More celery

  13. Carrots (Plain, but very sweet.)

  14. Donuts (Are organic donuts fewer calories? Don't know but Mighty O Donuts are deffly delish!)

  15. Yet more sunflower seeds

  16. Grapes

  17. A few pieces of carrot I stole from the pan of carrots for dinner

  18. A small piece of chicken breast stuffed with mushrooms and onions

  19. Carrots (Cooked this time, which is supposed to be better for you.)

  20. A roll and a half (Bread is truly my Achilles heel, well except that it hasn't killed me. Yet.)

Today wasn't the worst day I've ever had. Also I stepped on the scale, and it was a little lower than it was yesterday. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to start exercising with the boyfriend. We'll see how that goes.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

What I Ate Today

Supposedly the very act of writing down what you eat will cause you to self-correct and lead to weight loss. Somehow that didn't stop me from eating a chocolate chip cookie for breakfast. The rest of the day wasn't much better, see:

1. Sunflower seeds
2. Half a chocolate chip cookie
3. Banana
4. Someone else's coffee
5. More coffee, mine this time
6. Mango (I think) scone, and more coffee
7. Bread with hummus
8. Several pieces of vegan sausage
9. Mango juice
10. Bread with cream cheese and jam
11. More sausage
12. Apple juice
13. More sunflower seeds
14. Pear
15. Steak, potato with sour cream, broccoli and roll
16. Papaya
17. Two cups of peppermint tea with honey
18. Stalk of celery with peanut butter.

Papaya, if you recall is a negative calorie food. So is broccoli. I did have a lot of honey in the tea, but then again, I may have burned that off with all of the trips to the freakin' bathroom. Man, I am sick of the bathroom. Also I haven't had a significant amount of chocolate in several days (breakfast chocolate chip cookie is NOT significant), and I think I may be going through withdrawal symptoms.

Friday, May 1, 2009

What I Ate Today

The continuing saga of my complete inability to keep from stuffing food in my mouth:

1. Cinnamon Raisin bagel and cream cheese
2. Sunflower seeds
3. Plain bagel and cream cheese
4. Some kind of instant coffee with creamer already in it.
5. Mongolian Beef and rice
6. Salad, no dressing (Cheap dressing is icky, I can resist it easily.)
7. A chocolate chip cookie
8. Half of an oatmeal cookie
9. More sunflower seeds.
10. A couple of pieces of cauliflower
11. Four carrots
12. A leftover corner of peanut butter and jelly on 9 grain bread.
13. A fish stick
14. Really delicious kiwi lemonade.

I resisted the Caffeine Free Coke on offer for lunch. That's progress. Also I used stevia as the sweetener for my coffee, so no calories there. Oh sorry, I used it as a 'dietary supplement' in my coffee, because it's safe for that, but not as a food additive. The FDA must be populated by schizophrenics to be able to made that kind of ruling. I did not resist the cookies. Am I losing weight. Not yet, but any day now! Oooo, and the salad was negative calorie! I might try to add negative calorie foods to every meal from now on. I think, however, that if you drench it in sweetened glob the calorie burning benefit is lost.

Suggested Scenarios for Dress Up "Adventures"

I suggested these to the boyfriend, and his response was 'not my thing' which is pretty typical of him since mostly his thing is me doing stuff to him, him thinking that somehow constitutes foreplay for ME, even though I've TOLD him on several occasions THAT IT DOESN'T. This is followed by generally vanilla intercourse, then him having an orgasm, or maybe two, and then getting dressed and watching TV. Notice a lack of something there? He apparently doesn't. (I KNOW! I ask myself that question on a daily basis, trust me.) That's on the days that he feels like doing anything at all. Because the thought has never crossed his mind once that there could be anything happening if he's not having an orgasm. (I KNOW! There are a lot of days when I wonder why I bother, trust me.) Anyway, sorry for the yelling, here's the list:

  1. He is the dead-eyed gunslinger and she is the brazen tavern girl who ignites his untamed passions. She is a tease (maybe there's some naughty dancing?), but he doesn't take no for an answer. She resists, he insists, there's some biting and clawing (or not, as you like) and then she succumbs, loosing her pent-passions in fury of repressed sexual need.

  2. He is the mysterious masked bandito (ok, Zorro, we all know it's Zorro) and she is the haughty, but neglected Spanish landowner's wife with an icy facade, but an untapped core of molten passion. He discovers her alone one evening, after her bastard of a husband has left to visit his mistress just one time too many, and seduces her into retaliatory illicit love. She is reserved and shy at first, then as her resistance crumbles she releases the Latin virago hiding inside her proper upbringing.

  3. He is a victorious gladiator, and she is the slave girl thrown into his cell for a night's pleasure. This can be played one of two ways. She could be the wild untamed vixen who has never been willing to submit to her masters demands, or she could be the fearful much abused waif who cringes in fear and has to be coaxed into discovering the joys of carnal love. He could be masterful but tender, or gentle and persuasive. She could also be a barbarian princess who saw him in the arena and had him brought to her, bound and humbled, for her night's pleasure. (Depending on your kink level there could be spanking/whipping and/or foot worship. Personally, I think foot worship is excellent, not that I ever get any.) Is it poignant and bittersweet, because they have only one night? Is there anger and promises of revenge for the savage defilement?

  4. He is the prison guard and she is the unrepentant inmate who tempts him with her forbidden charms. Is he an upright man who is pushed beyond his endurance by her constant touching and innuendos? Will she use his lapse as a way to coerce him into more elaborate and riskier encounters? Will she seduce him in the prison laundry? In the warden's very office? Or is she an innocent victim who is promised help by her corrupt (and sadistic) captor in exchange for sexual favors? How many degraded and perverted acts will he demand in exchange for his help? Will he keep his promise, and help her prove her innocence or decide to destroy her admission records so she disappears from the system and keep her captive forever?

  5. He is the Arab sheik and she is the harem slave he has purchased, or dancing girl he has hired for his pleasure. If she is a slave, is she an innocent virgin or a knowing temptress? If she is a dancer, does she think she is here only to dance, or does she hope to capture his interest and thereby secure herself a more permanent position? Maybe HE is the innocent virgin, and she's been purchased by his father to make him into a man. (Belly dance lessons are optional for this one, but learning a few interesting moves can enhance the whole experience. You can get some pretty decent instruction tapes for cheap, too.)

  6. He is the streetwise mack daddy and she wants to be or is his 'wife-in law (that's a prostitute, try to follow along).' Of course there's the traditional 'interview' scenario, he has a position available in his stable and she has to convince him that she can fill the opening by letting him do a little positioning and filling of his own. Or he has pictures to show her, and wants to give her a 'training' session. There could be toys needed to demonstrate the proper technique. And a mirror. Or maybe she's been holding out on him. When he finds out, he needs to reassert his position as the boss and punish her for her transgression (there could be spanking!), or perhaps she needs to use her ample skills to convince him that it's not true. She wants to show him she's honest and loyal to him, she's begging him to believe her, she's on her knees, she's inventive, and then he's not thinking about money any more!

There are endless possibilities really, and you can get inventive, and tailor your ideas to your interests. Maybe you are a famous chef with a debt-stricken restaurant, desperate to get good reviews from the harsh restaurant critic (sex and food, yum). Or the golf pro whose client wants to get a 'hole in one.' Or the tennis pro whose 'score' is always 'love' off the court. Maybe you are the hot, but professional, aerobics instructor who 'corrects' the newbie exercise enthusiast's 'form' a little too often (and a little to close to the special touching spots). Maybe one of you is an international spy, heck, maybe you both are! Play with it, have fun, get a hotel room for that extra exotic touch (sex on foreign sheets!), use costumes and props, or don't do any of that, just whisper your fantasy into a handy ear. I sent the boyfriend pictures. Which he didn't appreciate, apparently. Or if fantasex is not your thing, make a counter-offer. (One that would be fun for BOTH of you.) Just, for heaven's sake, if your significant other suggests that you spice up the bedroom activity, don't tell them the suggested activity is 'not your thing,' and leave it at that. 'Cause that's like seriously a turn-off.