Monday, February 14, 2011

Presents to Avoid on Valentine's Day

So my honey made an incredibly sweet, and rather expensive decision to be home with me on Valentine's Day this year, and in honor of that, I've decided to post some of the worst Valentine's Day presents I could think of. Fortunately, I've never received any of these items, and I'm hoping it stays that way:

  1. Gift certificate for a tune-up. Or a car battery. Or anything car repair related, really. Because nothing says romance like 'do something about your raggedy car!'

  2. A one year membership to a dating website. It's not working out with ME, but I'm sure there's SOMEONE who wants you.

  3. Any kind of cleaning products.

  4. Lingerie. Several sizes too small. That smells like someone else's perfume.

  5. Anything living, that wasn't previously discussed and agreed to. Because nothing says 'I love you' like the pressure of an unwanted living thing to care for. (This includes plants AND unplanned children, just in case that's not entirely clear.)

  6. Food you don't like. Especially when you've mentioned it several times to the giver. Even more especially when you know the giver DOES like it. Can any one say 'Homer Simpson?'

  7. Nipple clamps. Unless you're into nipple clamps. Which, for the record, I am not.

  8. A surprise visit to a tattoo parlor, to get the giver's name permanently inscribed on your body.

  9. A split lip. Don't think this one needs any further explaining...but perhaps I shouldn't listen to Billy Bragg quite so much.

  10. Anything involving the words 'let you.'

  11. Money. Especially at the end of the evening. Especially, especially in a hotel room.

  12. Any kind of processed cheese food.

I will admit that I am not the most gracious gift receiver in the world. There have been times when I wish I could take back my words, or expression, upon receiving something that seems so patently wrong, or odd, that I cannot imagine how the giver could have gotten drunk enough, or hit on the head hard enough, to think a particular gift is a good idea. And yes, there have been a few times when I've had to eat those thoughts, because who knew how amazingly useful that ladle was going to turn out to be? But honestly, Valentine's day is a gimme, isn't it? I'm just saying, the gifts here are practically tradition:

Candy...unless she's on a diet, flowers...unless she's allergic, jewelry...unless she's conservative, lingerie, perhaps...unless she's body conscious and you've never been able to get her to admit to her actual size, a card, you can do a card! Just, what to say on the card...should it be funny? Or sweet? Or over the top romantic? know what? Maybe, it's not so much a gimme after all. But if you're not alone at the end of the evening, you probably did good, umm, ok. You probably did ok.

Happy VD Day. And good luck.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Hoarding Impulses I'll Never Understand

So I've been watching Hoarders off and on since it started. I'm not sure, really, if it's a guilty pleasure or a form of therapy. It's possible I'm waiting for the episode where someone gets crushed under all that stuff. I have to say that I do find it gut-wrenching when they tell you at the end that a house is condemned or that the owners can't afford the repairs needed to live in it. I kind of feel like if they want to risk their lives in their rotting house with the bad wiring and all the damage from the years of hoarding...well, if it's no longer stinking up the neighborhood, attracting vermin and spilling out onto the sidewalk, why is it anyone else's business? Ok, maybe that's mean, but really, it's their nasty, disgusting, mess of a formerly nice house, isn't it? And what is with these people who move themselves out of their homes for rusty tools and unopened packages of plastic containers? Why can't you open the packages and put some of that other crap IN them? At least you'd have more space! That said, there are some hoarding impulses I'll never understand. For example:

  1. Animals. That's not a collection, that's like making a job for yourself that you don't get paid OR thanked for. And believe me, those animals might love you, but they won't hesitate to eat you, when push comes to it.
  2. Animal skeletons. Fluffy is DEAD! Let GO already.
  3. Human waste. Really? In what world is this anything but GROSS?!?
  4. Rotten food. It's ROTTEN! ROOOOOTTTTEEEN! This isn't 17th century Russia you know. You can't just disguise it under a sour cream sauce and serve it to the neighbors. No, you can't.
  5. Plates. I don't get plate collectors. They're plates. Plates. Just plates.
  6. Dolls. A house full of dolls is just creepy. Don't try to deny it. You know it's true.
  7. Anything from a dead person. Especially if it includes the stuff above.

I'm sure there's more stuff, but honestly I had to stop watching Hoarders for a while again, after something I saw in the last one made me throw up. Literally. Still whenever I get the urge to buy more fabric, I turn it on, at least for a few minutes. Then I walk around the house saying, "There but for the grace of God, there but for the grace of God..." Because, let's face it, I may still die under a mountain of fabric.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

What I Ate Today

It's been a while, and I know the curiosity is building, plus the list is short, so:

1. Two plates of Indian lunch buffet from Masala Of India at Northgate, along with two (small) helpings of kheer and two cups of chai. "Breakfast" with my friend Rachel is always an adventure!
2. A Cayenne Hot Chocolate with a shot of espresso, and a chocolate-dipped peanut butter cookie from Chocolati Cafe. Fuel for writing...a totally necessary thing.
3. Steak, potato salad, and cabbage, along with a second helping of cabbage, and a glass of water.

And actually that's all. Huh.