Tuesday, December 14, 2010

12 Things to Get Those ‘Not Friend’ Friends for Christmas

You know who I’m talking about. That ‘friend’ who always seems to look at the dark side of things, is happy to give unasked for advice for fixing yourself in ways you didn’t know were broken, and who constantly apologizes for not thinking to invite you to the amazing thing they did last week. Sure you could just forget them at Christmas, or give a generic card, but that just looks like there could have been an oversight (like them not inviting you to any of the last several dinner parties they threw, and mentioning that pregnancy scare when they ran into your parents at the mall). I say your best bet is to spend a little time, and maybe even a little money – on wrapping paper – and make sure your frenemy knows you were thinking of them this holiday season…and sharpening the good knives.

  1. Awkwardly sexual boudoir photos. Include a perplexed-sounding note not quite implying that a significant other mentioned that this would be a welcome and appreciated gift.
  2. Used make up. Especially effective if given with the gentle suggestion that the really horrible shade of orange lipstick you got for your daughter’s Halloween clown costume is much more attractive than any other choices you have seen recently. Or ever.
  3. Make up remover. This one is self-explanatory. If this seems too extravagant, a couple of those free soaps and shampoos from your last hotel visit. Style points for a pretty wrap job.
  4. A pet ferret. Try to find one that bites. And snores. Make sure you give it in front of kids if there are any, so they can put lots of emotional pressure on the deserving recipient to keep it.
  5. Botox injections. Always fun, and half price if you catch the right Groupon.
  6. Coupons. Grocery coupons, drug store coupons, any coupons really. Coupons are a great way to say, I didn’t think you were worth a real gift! (Homemade coupons for useless stuff are extra fun. ‘Good for one girly chat!’)
  7. Expired candy. Valentine’s Day candy is fun, if you include a note that says something like “This Christmas, wanted you to know how much you’re in my heart.” Bonus points if the candy is also open, small hole are poked in the bottom of each one, and all the good ones are gone.
  8. Tube socks. If that seems too useful, then cheap scratchy pantyhose, in the wrong size.
  9. One of those seven day free trial offer cards to a gym. One that’s nowhere near work or home. Put it in a really pretty gift card and present it with the comment, “I KNOW you can use this!”
  10. A book on dressing professionally. If you gave that book last year, a book on etiquette.
  11. Tickets to an event that occurs when the ‘friend’ is going to be out of town. Make sure travel arrangements were booked. Bonus points for an event they would actually want to attend.
  12. A gift certificate to a restaurant where you got food poisoning. Try to tell the story of your horrible malady at great length sometime at least a month before the gift is presented.
There are a lot more things I could suggest. Spanx, for example, or a good self-help book. But the real key to this kind of gifting is finding the sore spot and choosing something that will jab right in it, and maybe even draw a little blood. After all, you've put up with more 'help and support' from this person all year than anyone should have to without committing a little mayhem. 'Tis the season to show them how much they're appreciated. Not.