Reasons I Don't Exercise

I'm expanding at the alarming rate of about 10 pounds a year. I should feel an insane urgency to reverse this trend, but somehow I haven't managed to work out and stick to a regular exercise routine. Here's why:

1. I'm chronically sleep-deprived and I really need that extra twenty minutes in the morning.
2. My schedule is just too tight to make it to the gym.
3. I don't like to exercise while other people are watching me, and there are always other people.
4. When I get sweaty, I itch.
5. I don't have a bike.
6. I'm punishing my emotionally abusive mother by damaging my health.
7. I'm conducting an experiment in willpower vs. genes, and exercise will skew the results.
8. I'm punishing my neglectful boyfriend by refusing to be more physically attractive.
9. My foot hurts and I have a headache.
10. I'm lazy.
11. I can't find the right soundtrack.
12. I lost my exercise pants.
13. I can't find a fitness buddy.
14. I'm afraid that if I get my body in shape everyone will expect me to fix the rest of my life.
15. The extra weight is keeping me anchored to the earth.
16. I'm a recovering exercise anorexic and I'm afraid of a relapse.
17. I've decided that diet is the real key to weight loss, so exercising is useless.
18. I can't afford the sports-related injuries
19. No one will pick me for their team.
20. Did I mention that I'm lazy?
21. I'm trying to conserve water by not taking extra showers.
22. I don't want to get really hot and damage the self-esteem of a generation of teenage girls.
23. I'm saving up my energy for a really explosive act of heroism.
24. I really need to clean out the closets first.
25. I can't find my car keys.

The more I think about it, the more ridiculous my excuses get. The truth is I don't exercise because I lack discipline. This is kind of a theme in my life and I'm doomed to be a fat, unpublished, broke failure at life if I can't get a handle on myself. And I really don't like the thought of that. Too bad there's not a pill for willpower. I bet the guy who invents that could be like a kazillionaire and buy the moon. Hmm...I better get to work inventing that. As soon as I'm finished, I can take one, and start exercising!