Saturday, April 25, 2009

Things I Will Probably Never Do With The Boyfriend

So it's relationship obsession week, deal with it. In the interest of trying to find some common ground, I started listing things I like to do, so that I could come up with suggestions for what WE could do. He would deny it, but the boyfriend pretty much shot down all of my ideas for one reason or another. (Seriously, if it wasn't an incredible breach of trust, I would post the email he sent me.) Even if he didn't say no outright, he gave reasons why he would be less than enthusiastic to participate in my suggested activities, and in some cases implied that I was insensitive to suggest them in the first place. Did he counter with activities of his own?, you ask. Ohhh nooo, that's not how it works! You see, I keep trying to reach for common ground, he keeps taking a sledge hammer and knocking my efforts into rubble. Then, when I get fed up, I'm negative or pessimistic or something. I keep thinking there's got to be something we want to try, or both like to do. At the moment, it appears that the only thing we both like to do is watch movies, and we don't exactly like the same kinds of movies. On the other hand, there are lots of things that I would like to do, that I seriously doubt I could get the boyfriend to do with me, even if I had a vise grip on his balls. What things, you say? Oh, things like:

1. Go scuba diving.
2. Have a masked ball for Halloween.
3. Waltz.
4. Plant a garden.
5. Volunteer at an elephant sanctuary.
6. Go to a strip show.
7. Ice skate in Times Square.
8. Adopt a little girl.
9. Do the crossword puzzle over Sunday morning coffee.
10. Buy a house.
11. Read the same book.
12. Go to relationship counseling.
13. Dress up for a medieval faire.
14. Have mutual friends.
15. Agree on a pet.
16. Make love in the rain.
17. Sail to the San Juans.
18. Fall asleep holding each other, and wake up the same way.
19. Go to a high school reunion.
20. Cruise the Greek Isles.*
21. Collect something.
22. Balance a checkbook.
23. Raise chickens.
24. Go to a whiskey tasting.
25. Vacation in Europe.
26. Take a class.
27. Skinny-dip in the moonlight.
28. Tell bedtime stories.
29. Learn yoga.
30. Memorize all the lines in an old movie.
31. Get falling-down drunk.
32. Have a threesome.
33. Build a deck.
34. Make up silly pet names.
35. Be foster parents.
36. Trade foot massages.
37. Reupholster a couch.
38. Go to church.
39. Visit relatives out of state.
40. Walk barefoot in mud, and let it squelch through our toes.
41. Love unconditionally.
42. Think up names for grandchildren.
43. Have a spa day.
44. Shop for lingerie, sex toys and edible lubes.
45. Refuse to hold a grudge.
46. Cross a desert on a camel.
47. Espouse a cause.
48. Ride up and down the escalators, blowing kisses when we pass.
49. Hire a contractor.
50. Write love poems.
51. Indulge in a fetish.
52. Ride a motorcycle.
53. Keep a scrapbook or memory box.
54. Retire, buy a motor home, and travel to all 50 states.
55. Camp in a nudist colony.
56. Wear silly hats in public.
57. Surf.
58. Plan a wedding.
59. Stand on the Great Wall.
60. Believe in the future.

Ok, yes, some of these things are a stretch, and honestly I'm not sure I'd actually like to do the camel thing, but if I DID want to to do it, I'd be doing it alone. The most frustrating part of even thinking about this issue is that if HE wanted to do these things, he'd just go do them, and if I wanted to come along, fine (assuming he invited me at all), and if I didn't, maybe some sulking, but that wouldn't stop him. For me though, it's not just the experience, it's who I'm having the experience with. There's only so much you can do with your gal pals. And what about romance? Why doesn't he get that even after all this time, sometimes I want to be swept off my feet. Admittedly, I'm not a tiny girl so the sweeping has to be figurative, but figurative sweeping would be just fine. Just so there's sweeping.

*He does manage to surprise me sometimes. Originally #20 was "Eat from the same plate," but he decided to make a bowl of ice cream for us to share (I know, shocked me!), so there you go. Maybe that means there's hope for the rest of the list. Maybe not.

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