Ok, don't tell my boss about this one!
1. Write epic emails to the boyfriend about our relationship that take half the day to craft.
2. Listen to songs on the Internet, flipping obsessively to get to Amy Winehouse.
3. Tell jokes to coworkers, thereby reducing the productivity of a whole section of the office.
4. Go to the bathroom. Resentfully. A lot more often than I think is reasonable.
5. Read overdue library books.
6. Sharpen pencils.
7. Call relatives. Sometimes long distance.
8. Go to lunch. Maybe more than once.
9. Surf the net. (But then who DOESN'T do this?)
10. Leave early.
But I don't show up late any more, 'cause they told me to cut that shit out. And I take direction really well.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Things I Will Probably Never Do With The Boyfriend
So it's relationship obsession week, deal with it. In the interest of trying to find some common ground, I started listing things I like to do, so that I could come up with suggestions for what WE could do. He would deny it, but the boyfriend pretty much shot down all of my ideas for one reason or another. (Seriously, if it wasn't an incredible breach of trust, I would post the email he sent me.) Even if he didn't say no outright, he gave reasons why he would be less than enthusiastic to participate in my suggested activities, and in some cases implied that I was insensitive to suggest them in the first place. Did he counter with activities of his own?, you ask. Ohhh nooo, that's not how it works! You see, I keep trying to reach for common ground, he keeps taking a sledge hammer and knocking my efforts into rubble. Then, when I get fed up, I'm negative or pessimistic or something. I keep thinking there's got to be something we want to try, or both like to do. At the moment, it appears that the only thing we both like to do is watch movies, and we don't exactly like the same kinds of movies. On the other hand, there are lots of things that I would like to do, that I seriously doubt I could get the boyfriend to do with me, even if I had a vise grip on his balls. What things, you say? Oh, things like:
1. Go scuba diving.
2. Have a masked ball for Halloween.
3. Waltz.
4. Plant a garden.
5. Volunteer at an elephant sanctuary.
6. Go to a strip show.
7. Ice skate in Times Square.
8. Adopt a little girl.
9. Do the crossword puzzle over Sunday morning coffee.
10. Buy a house.
11. Read the same book.
12. Go to relationship counseling.
13. Dress up for a medieval faire.
14. Have mutual friends.
15. Agree on a pet.
16. Make love in the rain.
17. Sail to the San Juans.
18. Fall asleep holding each other, and wake up the same way.
19. Go to a high school reunion.
20. Cruise the Greek Isles.*
21. Collect something.
22. Balance a checkbook.
23. Raise chickens.
24. Go to a whiskey tasting.
25. Vacation in Europe.
26. Take a class.
27. Skinny-dip in the moonlight.
28. Tell bedtime stories.
29. Learn yoga.
30. Memorize all the lines in an old movie.
31. Get falling-down drunk.
32. Have a threesome.
33. Build a deck.
34. Make up silly pet names.
35. Be foster parents.
36. Trade foot massages.
37. Reupholster a couch.
38. Go to church.
39. Visit relatives out of state.
40. Walk barefoot in mud, and let it squelch through our toes.
41. Love unconditionally.
42. Think up names for grandchildren.
43. Have a spa day.
44. Shop for lingerie, sex toys and edible lubes.
45. Refuse to hold a grudge.
46. Cross a desert on a camel.
47. Espouse a cause.
48. Ride up and down the escalators, blowing kisses when we pass.
49. Hire a contractor.
50. Write love poems.
51. Indulge in a fetish.
52. Ride a motorcycle.
53. Keep a scrapbook or memory box.
54. Retire, buy a motor home, and travel to all 50 states.
55. Camp in a nudist colony.
56. Wear silly hats in public.
57. Surf.
58. Plan a wedding.
59. Stand on the Great Wall.
60. Believe in the future.
Ok, yes, some of these things are a stretch, and honestly I'm not sure I'd actually like to do the camel thing, but if I DID want to to do it, I'd be doing it alone. The most frustrating part of even thinking about this issue is that if HE wanted to do these things, he'd just go do them, and if I wanted to come along, fine (assuming he invited me at all), and if I didn't, maybe some sulking, but that wouldn't stop him. For me though, it's not just the experience, it's who I'm having the experience with. There's only so much you can do with your gal pals. And what about romance? Why doesn't he get that even after all this time, sometimes I want to be swept off my feet. Admittedly, I'm not a tiny girl so the sweeping has to be figurative, but figurative sweeping would be just fine. Just so there's sweeping.
*He does manage to surprise me sometimes. Originally #20 was "Eat from the same plate," but he decided to make a bowl of ice cream for us to share (I know, shocked me!), so there you go. Maybe that means there's hope for the rest of the list. Maybe not.
1. Go scuba diving.
2. Have a masked ball for Halloween.
3. Waltz.
4. Plant a garden.
5. Volunteer at an elephant sanctuary.
6. Go to a strip show.
7. Ice skate in Times Square.
8. Adopt a little girl.
9. Do the crossword puzzle over Sunday morning coffee.
10. Buy a house.
11. Read the same book.
12. Go to relationship counseling.
13. Dress up for a medieval faire.
14. Have mutual friends.
15. Agree on a pet.
16. Make love in the rain.
17. Sail to the San Juans.
18. Fall asleep holding each other, and wake up the same way.
19. Go to a high school reunion.
20. Cruise the Greek Isles.*
21. Collect something.
22. Balance a checkbook.
23. Raise chickens.
24. Go to a whiskey tasting.
25. Vacation in Europe.
26. Take a class.
27. Skinny-dip in the moonlight.
28. Tell bedtime stories.
29. Learn yoga.
30. Memorize all the lines in an old movie.
31. Get falling-down drunk.
32. Have a threesome.
33. Build a deck.
34. Make up silly pet names.
35. Be foster parents.
36. Trade foot massages.
37. Reupholster a couch.
38. Go to church.
39. Visit relatives out of state.
40. Walk barefoot in mud, and let it squelch through our toes.
41. Love unconditionally.
42. Think up names for grandchildren.
43. Have a spa day.
44. Shop for lingerie, sex toys and edible lubes.
45. Refuse to hold a grudge.
46. Cross a desert on a camel.
47. Espouse a cause.
48. Ride up and down the escalators, blowing kisses when we pass.
49. Hire a contractor.
50. Write love poems.
51. Indulge in a fetish.
52. Ride a motorcycle.
53. Keep a scrapbook or memory box.
54. Retire, buy a motor home, and travel to all 50 states.
55. Camp in a nudist colony.
56. Wear silly hats in public.
57. Surf.
58. Plan a wedding.
59. Stand on the Great Wall.
60. Believe in the future.
Ok, yes, some of these things are a stretch, and honestly I'm not sure I'd actually like to do the camel thing, but if I DID want to to do it, I'd be doing it alone. The most frustrating part of even thinking about this issue is that if HE wanted to do these things, he'd just go do them, and if I wanted to come along, fine (assuming he invited me at all), and if I didn't, maybe some sulking, but that wouldn't stop him. For me though, it's not just the experience, it's who I'm having the experience with. There's only so much you can do with your gal pals. And what about romance? Why doesn't he get that even after all this time, sometimes I want to be swept off my feet. Admittedly, I'm not a tiny girl so the sweeping has to be figurative, but figurative sweeping would be just fine. Just so there's sweeping.
*He does manage to surprise me sometimes. Originally #20 was "Eat from the same plate," but he decided to make a bowl of ice cream for us to share (I know, shocked me!), so there you go. Maybe that means there's hope for the rest of the list. Maybe not.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Questions I Never Get Answered
So I'm really struggling with how to change the relationship dynamic right now, and thinking about it makes me realize that even after the really long time that I've known him, there are things about the boyfriend that I just don't know. Here are some of the questions that float around in my head, either because I never asked them, or because he's never answered them:
1. Why don't you want to marry me?
2. Do you ever look at me and think I'm beautiful?
3. What are your deepest fears?
4. Do I embarrass you in front of your friends?
5. What do you think is sexy?
6. Am I good in bed?
7. Do you ever feel the desire to add more romance to our relationship?
8. What does a perfect life look like to you?
9. Do you ever want to just get in the car and drive away and never come back?
10. Have you ever thought of killing me?
11. Do you ever worry that you love me more than I love you?
12. Would you miss me if I disappeared?
13. What do you envision our relationship being 20 years from now?
14. Have you ever wanted to hit me?
15. Do you ever wish you had stayed with another person?
16. Would you ever want to have an 'open' relationship?
17. Do you ever think I'm stupid or weak?
18. What are you doing all day when I'm not with you?
19. Do you ever fantasize about me?
20. Are you ever jealous or insecure about me and other men?
21. Why don't you want to dance with me?
22. Do you ever just hate your body?
23. If you could have my brain in any body you wanted, whose would it be?
24. Do you ever wish I was more of a girly girl, or more of a fashion plate?
25. When you look at me, do you think I look old?
26. Are you worried about going grey or losing your hair?
27. Does the idea that I might stop loving you one day ever keep you awake at night?
28. If you could add one personality trait, or take one away from me, what would it be?
29. Why don't you like to tell me what you're thinking?
30. What are the questions you want to know the answers to, but never ask me?
There are more, but I think they're all kind of variations of these. And really it's all so trite and cliche, it's almost too embarrassing to post, but seriously aren't these the questions that most women want to know at some point or another in a relationship? Ok, maybe some of the ones I didn't put up aren't so normal. But how do you casually ask a guy if he'd like to handcuff you to the bed frame and torture you with a feather, some clothes pins, a jar of lemon sauce and a riding crop? "Uh, honey, you know we've never explored S&M, and I was wondering....?" Come to think of it, that's probably pretty normal, too. Freaks.
1. Why don't you want to marry me?
2. Do you ever look at me and think I'm beautiful?
3. What are your deepest fears?
4. Do I embarrass you in front of your friends?
5. What do you think is sexy?
6. Am I good in bed?
7. Do you ever feel the desire to add more romance to our relationship?
8. What does a perfect life look like to you?
9. Do you ever want to just get in the car and drive away and never come back?
10. Have you ever thought of killing me?
11. Do you ever worry that you love me more than I love you?
12. Would you miss me if I disappeared?
13. What do you envision our relationship being 20 years from now?
14. Have you ever wanted to hit me?
15. Do you ever wish you had stayed with another person?
16. Would you ever want to have an 'open' relationship?
17. Do you ever think I'm stupid or weak?
18. What are you doing all day when I'm not with you?
19. Do you ever fantasize about me?
20. Are you ever jealous or insecure about me and other men?
21. Why don't you want to dance with me?
22. Do you ever just hate your body?
23. If you could have my brain in any body you wanted, whose would it be?
24. Do you ever wish I was more of a girly girl, or more of a fashion plate?
25. When you look at me, do you think I look old?
26. Are you worried about going grey or losing your hair?
27. Does the idea that I might stop loving you one day ever keep you awake at night?
28. If you could add one personality trait, or take one away from me, what would it be?
29. Why don't you like to tell me what you're thinking?
30. What are the questions you want to know the answers to, but never ask me?
There are more, but I think they're all kind of variations of these. And really it's all so trite and cliche, it's almost too embarrassing to post, but seriously aren't these the questions that most women want to know at some point or another in a relationship? Ok, maybe some of the ones I didn't put up aren't so normal. But how do you casually ask a guy if he'd like to handcuff you to the bed frame and torture you with a feather, some clothes pins, a jar of lemon sauce and a riding crop? "Uh, honey, you know we've never explored S&M, and I was wondering....?" Come to think of it, that's probably pretty normal, too. Freaks.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Reasons I Don't Exercise
I'm expanding at the alarming rate of about 10 pounds a year. I should feel an insane urgency to reverse this trend, but somehow I haven't managed to work out and stick to a regular exercise routine. Here's why:
1. I'm chronically sleep-deprived and I really need that extra twenty minutes in the morning.
2. My schedule is just too tight to make it to the gym.
3. I don't like to exercise while other people are watching me, and there are always other people.
4. When I get sweaty, I itch.
5. I don't have a bike.
6. I'm punishing my emotionally abusive mother by damaging my health.
7. I'm conducting an experiment in willpower vs. genes, and exercise will skew the results.
8. I'm punishing my neglectful boyfriend by refusing to be more physically attractive.
9. My foot hurts and I have a headache.
10. I'm lazy.
11. I can't find the right soundtrack.
12. I lost my exercise pants.
13. I can't find a fitness buddy.
14. I'm afraid that if I get my body in shape everyone will expect me to fix the rest of my life.
15. The extra weight is keeping me anchored to the earth.
16. I'm a recovering exercise anorexic and I'm afraid of a relapse.
17. I've decided that diet is the real key to weight loss, so exercising is useless.
18. I can't afford the sports-related injuries
19. No one will pick me for their team.
20. Did I mention that I'm lazy?
21. I'm trying to conserve water by not taking extra showers.
22. I don't want to get really hot and damage the self-esteem of a generation of teenage girls.
23. I'm saving up my energy for a really explosive act of heroism.
24. I really need to clean out the closets first.
25. I can't find my car keys.
The more I think about it, the more ridiculous my excuses get. The truth is I don't exercise because I lack discipline. This is kind of a theme in my life and I'm doomed to be a fat, unpublished, broke failure at life if I can't get a handle on myself. And I really don't like the thought of that. Too bad there's not a pill for willpower. I bet the guy who invents that could be like a kazillionaire and buy the moon. Hmm...I better get to work inventing that. As soon as I'm finished, I can take one, and start exercising!
1. I'm chronically sleep-deprived and I really need that extra twenty minutes in the morning.
2. My schedule is just too tight to make it to the gym.
3. I don't like to exercise while other people are watching me, and there are always other people.
4. When I get sweaty, I itch.
5. I don't have a bike.
6. I'm punishing my emotionally abusive mother by damaging my health.
7. I'm conducting an experiment in willpower vs. genes, and exercise will skew the results.
8. I'm punishing my neglectful boyfriend by refusing to be more physically attractive.
9. My foot hurts and I have a headache.
10. I'm lazy.
11. I can't find the right soundtrack.
12. I lost my exercise pants.
13. I can't find a fitness buddy.
14. I'm afraid that if I get my body in shape everyone will expect me to fix the rest of my life.
15. The extra weight is keeping me anchored to the earth.
16. I'm a recovering exercise anorexic and I'm afraid of a relapse.
17. I've decided that diet is the real key to weight loss, so exercising is useless.
18. I can't afford the sports-related injuries
19. No one will pick me for their team.
20. Did I mention that I'm lazy?
21. I'm trying to conserve water by not taking extra showers.
22. I don't want to get really hot and damage the self-esteem of a generation of teenage girls.
23. I'm saving up my energy for a really explosive act of heroism.
24. I really need to clean out the closets first.
25. I can't find my car keys.
The more I think about it, the more ridiculous my excuses get. The truth is I don't exercise because I lack discipline. This is kind of a theme in my life and I'm doomed to be a fat, unpublished, broke failure at life if I can't get a handle on myself. And I really don't like the thought of that. Too bad there's not a pill for willpower. I bet the guy who invents that could be like a kazillionaire and buy the moon. Hmm...I better get to work inventing that. As soon as I'm finished, I can take one, and start exercising!
Monday, February 2, 2009
Things I Lost When My Stuff Was Thrown On The Curb
There is a story behind this...it's short though. It goes my landlord is an asshole so he let the people who were moving my stuff out steal some. Here's what's missing:
1. My Makita Cordless Drill and Flashlight Set - which was a Mother's Day Present (what? I like tools.)
2. My toolbox - which contained my screwdriver set, my drill bits, my ratchet set, my linoleum knife, my basin wrench, my wire strippers, two hammers of different sizes, a really good pair of pliers, and a kind of sucky adjustable wrench along with various useful things. (I did say I liked tools.)
2. My cordless telephones, and their bases.
4. My router and the Verizon Wireless modem it was attached to. (Hah, hah the router will probably be useless because they don't have the WEP key!)
5. Two season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer
6. Two older desktop computers - one of which has a lot of information I want on it.
7. My laptop. My NEW laptop.
8. All of my alcohol. Which wasn't a lot. But still...tacky.
9. My blenders. Both of them.
10. Around 30 AA batteries. The packaging was left out empty, the batteries were taken.
11. A set of wire grid storage cubes.
12. A crappy stick vacuum cleaner, minus the bagless insert, which was in something else.
13. A set of Amway knives.
14. Other little annoying things like a Pyrex glass pan, and some CD's.
For the most part the stuff is replaceable. The information on the computers is not replaceable, including some family pictures that I may not have anywhere else. It's just really, really, REALLY annoying that this guy, who is accusing me of being dishonest, hired people who figured there was no way for me to prove they stole stuff, so they did. And I don't believe for one second that he doesn't know the kind of people he hired. And I really want my damned phones!
Eh...I'm supposed to be trying to reduce my possessions anyway.
1. My Makita Cordless Drill and Flashlight Set - which was a Mother's Day Present (what? I like tools.)
2. My toolbox - which contained my screwdriver set, my drill bits, my ratchet set, my linoleum knife, my basin wrench, my wire strippers, two hammers of different sizes, a really good pair of pliers, and a kind of sucky adjustable wrench along with various useful things. (I did say I liked tools.)
2. My cordless telephones, and their bases.
4. My router and the Verizon Wireless modem it was attached to. (Hah, hah the router will probably be useless because they don't have the WEP key!)
5. Two season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer
6. Two older desktop computers - one of which has a lot of information I want on it.
7. My laptop. My NEW laptop.
8. All of my alcohol. Which wasn't a lot. But still...tacky.
9. My blenders. Both of them.
10. Around 30 AA batteries. The packaging was left out empty, the batteries were taken.
11. A set of wire grid storage cubes.
12. A crappy stick vacuum cleaner, minus the bagless insert, which was in something else.
13. A set of Amway knives.
14. Other little annoying things like a Pyrex glass pan, and some CD's.
For the most part the stuff is replaceable. The information on the computers is not replaceable, including some family pictures that I may not have anywhere else. It's just really, really, REALLY annoying that this guy, who is accusing me of being dishonest, hired people who figured there was no way for me to prove they stole stuff, so they did. And I don't believe for one second that he doesn't know the kind of people he hired. And I really want my damned phones!
Eh...I'm supposed to be trying to reduce my possessions anyway.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Things Kids Don't Want In Their Halloween Candy
Ok so I could go with the obvious here like razorblades, drugs or poison, but honestly when are we all going to let those urban myths just die. While it's always going to be a good idea to take a good look at candy your kids get from strangers, any strangers, it's just sad that we insist on believing that our neighbors secretly want to poison our children. Especially since it's never actually happened. (Don't believe me? Look it up on http://www.snopes.com/, which is a web site that investigates urban myths, and a damned good one, too.)
Anyway don't give these things to kids who have taken the time to dress up and come to your house. If you do, you deserve the toilet paper:
1. Toothbrushes - please no not-subtle moral nudges, this is supposed to be a fun activity.
2. Dental floss - goes double.
3. Sugar free hot chocolate - not cute, and oh yeah, nasty.
4. Pennies - don't be cheap, if you don't want to give candy, give nickels at least, quarters even.
5. Apples - tradition, blah, blah, blah, whatever. No.
6. Any fruit, for that matter - and no raisins are NOT just like candy.
7. Religious pamphlets - why waste the paper?
8. Those weird strawberry candies - no kid likes those things.
9. Peanuts - seriously, no.
10. Cigarettes - it's not funny, it's tacky
11. Matches - ditto
12. Coupons - uh... trick or treating does not equal grocery shopping. Moron.
13. Excuses - have candy or just turn out the porch light.
And despite the irritation of some uptight parents, yes it is funny to dress up and try to scare the kids silly before you give them candy. After all, you should have some fun, too.
Happy Halloween!
Anyway don't give these things to kids who have taken the time to dress up and come to your house. If you do, you deserve the toilet paper:
1. Toothbrushes - please no not-subtle moral nudges, this is supposed to be a fun activity.
2. Dental floss - goes double.
3. Sugar free hot chocolate - not cute, and oh yeah, nasty.
4. Pennies - don't be cheap, if you don't want to give candy, give nickels at least, quarters even.
5. Apples - tradition, blah, blah, blah, whatever. No.
6. Any fruit, for that matter - and no raisins are NOT just like candy.
7. Religious pamphlets - why waste the paper?
8. Those weird strawberry candies - no kid likes those things.
9. Peanuts - seriously, no.
10. Cigarettes - it's not funny, it's tacky
11. Matches - ditto
12. Coupons - uh... trick or treating does not equal grocery shopping. Moron.
13. Excuses - have candy or just turn out the porch light.
And despite the irritation of some uptight parents, yes it is funny to dress up and try to scare the kids silly before you give them candy. After all, you should have some fun, too.
Happy Halloween!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Voices I Would Steal if I Could
In no particular order:
Madeleine Peyroux
Joss Stone
Amy Winehouse
Sade
Adele
Lauryn Hill
Etta James
Leona Lewis
Alicia Keyes
Christina Aguilera
Nikka Costa
Des’ree
Mariah Carey
Nelly Furtado
Ingrid Michaelson
Keyshia Cole
Sheryl Crow
India Arie
Dido
Nina Simone
Norah Jones
There are certainly more I would happily wear in a little sea shell around my neck like the witch in The Little Mermaid. I would take Traci Chapman’s voice if I didn’t have to sing depressing pseudo-folk music with it, or Whitney Houston’s voice pre drugs and Bobbie Brown. I go back and forth on Mary J. Blige. It might be more attitude than talent that I admire in her case. Not that she’s a bad singer.
It’s hard to tell if I’d want one of the single name performers voices (Rihanna, Ciara, them folks) since if I’m going to get into vocal larceny, I want some serious power, depth, vocal range, all that stuff. Considering that thought, I think Mariah Carey is on the top of the list. Because let’s face it, that voice is totally wasted on her.
Madeleine Peyroux
Joss Stone
Amy Winehouse
Sade
Adele
Lauryn Hill
Etta James
Leona Lewis
Alicia Keyes
Christina Aguilera
Nikka Costa
Des’ree
Mariah Carey
Nelly Furtado
Ingrid Michaelson
Keyshia Cole
Sheryl Crow
India Arie
Dido
Nina Simone
Norah Jones
There are certainly more I would happily wear in a little sea shell around my neck like the witch in The Little Mermaid. I would take Traci Chapman’s voice if I didn’t have to sing depressing pseudo-folk music with it, or Whitney Houston’s voice pre drugs and Bobbie Brown. I go back and forth on Mary J. Blige. It might be more attitude than talent that I admire in her case. Not that she’s a bad singer.
It’s hard to tell if I’d want one of the single name performers voices (Rihanna, Ciara, them folks) since if I’m going to get into vocal larceny, I want some serious power, depth, vocal range, all that stuff. Considering that thought, I think Mariah Carey is on the top of the list. Because let’s face it, that voice is totally wasted on her.
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