Happy New Year?

Yes, it's been a while. Don't make a big deal about it.

 

So every year I make resolutions, ridiculous unobtainable resolutions, and every year I feel like a total failure when I don't manage to commit to any changes, meet any goals, or do anything to change the miserable hand-to-mouth slacker existence that is my forever history. Why should this year be any different.

 

So with no further ado, my New Year's Resolutions for 2014:

 

1. Shrink to a size 8. - I know that all of the advice people say don't focus on the size. Fuck them. I don't want to be healthier or more fit, I don't want to feel better, or commit to a better diet or 'right size, or whatever else the fuck is the buzzword of the day. I want to be thinner. If I could cut this fatty fat off with a kitchen knife, I'd be screaming and slicing right now. And I don't really care what anyone thinks about that. How am I going to do it? Right now it looks like low carb dieting, exercise and a healthy dollop of yoga is the way to go, and yes that will have the side effect of making me healthier, and yes it will have the side effect of making me more toned and perhaps even more relaxed, but don't kid yourself - I don't give a shit about any of that. I just want to be thinner.

 

2. Learn to play the piano. - It's kind of random but whatever. I always wanted to learn, and since I'm now starting to develop arthritis in my hands, now is the time. So I'll be spending time doing that.

 

3. Get a job as a Java programmer. - It's time to pick an actual career. So I pick Java programming. It pays well, and it sounds cool and there's a shortage. We are all going to totally ignore that I first have to learn to program in Java. I have books for that. And some YouTube tutorials. Mostly I just need to get through the interview. Then I can copy and paste from stuff on the web. It'll be fiiiine. Just...whatever.

 

4. Knit some socks, and maybe a cable sweater. - I have a lot of yarn. I don't want to give it away because I'm greedy and I think if I actually applied myself to it, I could be a decent knitter. And plus it's a way to ignore the devastating wasteland that is my life. Try to be depressed about your general lack of accomplishments when you're counting stitches on a lace pattern. I dare you.

 

5. Finish a quilt, like all the way. - What I said about the yarn, but for fabric, like times a hundred. Or a thousand. Or maybe a hundred thousand. Did you know fabric rots? It does. Over time. I love my fabric like golden treasure, but it deserves to be used. I have an accumulation of fabric that is older than the years of my life. (I do, thanks to the generous contribution of a fabric hoarder relative, who gave me a portion of HER ridiculously overgenerous stash, because 20 55 gallon storage containers of fabric that isn't being used and probably isn't stored properly in the first place DESERVES to be doubled!) So I need to use that. Thread rots, too. Even the polyester core stuff.

 

6. Publish something already! -  Or you know, at least submit something. Ok, submit something, already! But no, the goal is publish something. Because you know, we did say ridiculous and unattainable.

 

7. Get rid of one grocery bag of stuff a week. - Ok, or 52 bags. 52 bags of crap I don't want, things that might be useful for someone else, toys that my children outgrew a decade ago, expired toiletries, linens that no longer have a bed to be one, dishes that I hate, and general crap. I figured out that if I can reduce the size of my storage unit by half, I'll have enough to pay for a monthly membership to crossfit, which brings me to:

 

8. Start doing Crossfit. - At least until I either a. get to the correct size or b. get so severely injured that even the Crossfit fanatics say 'enough already, moron! Cut it out!' Seriously, I like the idea of Crossfit, and the lingo, and the excuses to by more workout gear to leave around in stinky reuseable grocery bags. And the whole process appeals to a certain masochistic bent that should be pretty obvious by now. And since all of this awesome self flagellery deserves to be shared...

 

9.  Write one blog post per week. - I sort of wanted to say write one per day, but that's just too unrealistic, even for me. So that's at least 52 blog posts. But since I need to add an element of the impossible, I will add:

 

10. Take more pictures. - And post one with each blog post. Because I hate to take pictures. Maybe I should add a photography class to my list of things to do. But I'm not going to. Because that's waaaay too attainable. However there's always...

 

10. Finish my damned degree. - Seriously. Just. Finish. It. Before I've literally spent so long putting it off that I have to just start over from the beginning...although, that has a certain appeal. And last but most important:

 

12. Drink more wine. - Because after I've totally failed at all of this crap, I'm totally going to need it.

 

 

Well that's it, that's my dirty dozen. It's ridiculous isn't it? I left out a couple that I've been toying with like run a marathon or write every day or move to a different state  but seriously let's save something to fail at and despair about next year, right? Ok, your turn! If you got this far, I challenge you to leave a comment about your resolutions, and no crap about how you don't have any. Share, share, that's fair.

 

Ok, the picture:

 

 

Say Goodbye to Alladat!

 

Presents to Avoid on Valentine's Day

So my honey made an incredibly sweet, and rather expensive decision to be home with me on Valentine's Day this year, and in honor of that, I've decided to post some of the worst Valentine's Day presents I could think of. Fortunately, I've never received any of these items, and I'm hoping it stays that way:

1. Gift certificate for a tune-up. Or a car battery. Or anything car repair related, really. Because nothing says romance like 'do something about your raggedy car!'
   
   
2. A one year membership to a dating website. It's not working out with ME, but I'm sure there's SOMEONE who wants you.
   
   
3. Any kind of cleaning products.
   
   
4. Lingerie. Several sizes too small. That smells like someone else's perfume.
   
   
5. Anything living, that wasn't previously discussed and agreed to. Because nothing says 'I love you' like the pressure of an unwanted living thing to care for. (This includes plants AND unplanned children, just in case that's not entirely clear.)
   
   
6. Food you don't like. Especially when you've mentioned it several times to the giver. Even more especially when you know the giver DOES like it. Can any one say 'Homer Simpson?'
   
   
7. Nipple clamps. Unless you're into nipple clamps. Which, for the record, I am not.
   
   
8. A surprise visit to a tattoo parlor, to get the giver's name permanently inscribed on your body. Just...no.
   
   
9. A split lip. Don't think this one needs any further explaining...but perhaps I shouldn't listen to Billy Bragg quite so much.
   
   
10. Anything involving the words 'let you.'
    
    
11. Money. Especially at the end of the evening. Especially, especially in a hotel room.
    
    
12. Any kind of processed cheese food.

I will admit that I am not the most gracious gift receiver in the world. There have been times when I wish I could take back my words, or expression, upon receiving something that seems so patently wrong, or odd, that I cannot imagine how the giver could have gotten drunk enough, or hit on the head hard enough, to think a particular gift is a good idea. And yes, there have been a few times when I've had to eat those thoughts, because who knew how amazingly useful that ladle was going to turn out to be? But honestly, Valentine's day is a gimme, isn't it? I'm just saying, the gifts here are practically tradition:

Candy...unless she's on a diet, flowers...unless she's allergic, jewelry...unless she's conservative, lingerie, perhaps...unless she's body conscious and you've never been able to get her to admit to her actual size, a card, you can do a card! Just, what to say on the card...should it be funny? Or sweet? Or over the top romantic? Uh...you know what? Maybe, it's not so much a gimme after all. But if you're not alone at the end of the evening, you probably did good, umm, ok. You probably did ok.


Happy VD Day. And good luck.

12 Things to Get Those ‘Not Friend’ Friends for Christmas

You know who I’m talking about. That ‘friend’ who always seems to look at the dark side of things, is happy to give unasked for advice for fixing yourself in ways you didn’t know were broken, and who constantly apologizes for not thinking to invite you to the amazing thing they did last week. Sure you could just forget them at Christmas, or give a generic card, but that just looks like there could have been an oversight (like them not inviting you to any of the last several dinner parties they threw, and mentioning that pregnancy scare when they ran into your parents at the mall). I say your best bet is to spend a little time, and maybe even a little money – on wrapping paper – and make sure your frenemy knows you were thinking of them this holiday season…and sharpening the good knives.

1. Awkwardly sexual boudoir photos. Include a perplexed-sounding note not quite implying that a significant other mentioned that this would be a welcome and appreciated gift.
   
2. Used make up. Especially effective if given with the gentle suggestion that the really horrible shade of orange lipstick you got for your daughter’s Halloween clown costume is much more attractive than any other choices you have seen recently. Or ever.
   
3. Make up remover. This one is self-explanatory. If this seems too extravagant, a couple of those free soaps and shampoos from your last hotel visit. Style points for a pretty wrap job.
   
4. A pet ferret. Try to find one that bites. And snores. Make sure you give it in front of kids if there are any, so they can put lots of emotional pressure on the deserving recipient to keep it.
   
5. Botox injections. Always fun, and half price if you catch the right Groupon.
   
6. Coupons. Grocery coupons, drug store coupons, any coupons really. Coupons are a great way to say, I didn’t think you were worth a real gift! (Homemade coupons for useless stuff are extra fun. ‘Good for one girly chat!’)
   
7. Expired candy. Valentine’s Day candy is fun, if you include a note that says something like “This Christmas, wanted you to know how much you’re in my heart.” Bonus points if the candy is also open, small hole are poked in the bottom of each one, and all the good ones are gone.
   
8. Tube socks. If that seems too useful, then cheap scratchy pantyhose, in the wrong size.
   
9. One of those seven day free trial offer cards to a gym. One that’s nowhere near work or home. Put it in a really pretty gift card and present it with the comment, “I KNOW you can use this!”
   
10. A book on dressing professionally. If you gave that book last year, a book on etiquette.
    
11. Tickets to an event that occurs when the ‘friend’ is going to be out of town. Make sure travel arrangements were booked. Bonus points for an event they would actually want to attend.
    
12. A gift certificate to a restaurant where you got food poisoning. Try to tell the story of your horrible malady at great length sometime at least a month before the gift is presented.

There are a lot more things I could suggest. Spanx, for example, or a good self-help book. But the real key to this kind of gifting is finding the sore spot and choosing something that will jab right in it, and maybe even draw a little blood. After all, you've put up with more 'help and support' from this person all year than anyone should have to without committing a little mayhem. 'Tis the season to show them how much they're appreciated. Not.

Halloween Costumes I Never Wore

I love Halloween, I really do, but I never seem to get my costume act together. I have made some fairly elaborate costumes for the kids and even worn one of the ones I made for the first offspring (which only fit me because it was hugely too big for him). But the ones I long for with the secret unrequited lust of a lonely candy-less child peering out the front window I never have gotten to wear. Which ones are those, you ask? Well:

1. Marie Antoinette.
2. Fairy (with working wings!)
3. Bride
4. Bride of Frankenstein
5. Guinevere
6. Queen Elizabeth (the first, not the dowdy)
7. 20's Flapper
8. 50's teenager (poodle skirts! sigh)
9. Knight in Armor - but you know, a girl knight, with the metal breasts on the armor.
10. 40's Mobster's Moll
11. Sexy Pirate Wench - ok, I did once dress up as a Pirate Wench, but it wasn't satisfying.
12. Harem Dancer
13. Flamenco Dancer
14. Tango Dancer - shoot, I just want to BE a tango dancer, forget the dressing up part.
15. Ballerina
16. Xena Warrior Princess
17. Victorian Heiress - This is kind of my own invention. Fancy dresses and rhinestones r kool!
18. French Maid - Maybe this one isn't exactly for Halloween.
19. Betti Page - Umm, or sort of a dominatrix thing in general.
20. Harlequinne

I would include Cleopatra, but I dressed up as Cleo one year, and looked pretty awesome, IMHO, but I refused to wear socks which would damage the authenticity of my costume, so my mother wouldn't let me leave the house. How old was I? Eleven, maybe? Twelve? Dunno, but I wonder to this day why I didn't just tell her I'd wear them and then take the stupid things off when I got outside. Guess I wasn't so devious back then. Anyway, maybe I'd have another go at old Cleo sometime, but it's not a must. I also dressed up as a hooker one Halloween when I was a teenager, and then a couple of friends of mine and I walked around knocking on doors and saying "Trick." We got a fair amount of candy, and also several invitations to come in at adult parties, and one guy offered us a drink. Nowadays I mostly don't dress up, mostly because what's the point when you've got nowhere to go? I do love this holiday, though.